Sound Bites

Sound Bites

TV's funniest lines from May 13 to 19. Read the expanded online-only version of our favorite quips, then vote for the best quote

''She does realize that's the sandwich guy and not an actual sandwich, right?''
MARC (MICHAEL URIE), REFERRING TO THE PHOTO OF BETTY (AMERICA FERRERA) KISSING GIO (FREDDY RODRIGUEZ), ON UGLY BETTY

''Oh, man, I love Springsteen! He's like the American Bryan Adams!''
THE VERY CANADIAN ROBIN (COBIE SMULDERS), ON HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

''Well, if we accept your premise and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you, then we can logically conclude that the results of blowing it would be that you end up a bitter, lonely old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind.''
SHELDON (JIM PARSONS), EXPLAINING WHY LEONARD (JOHNNY GALECKI) SHOULD KEEP HIS SCHEDULED DATE, ON THE BIG BANG THEORY

''You know, prom wasn't really big back in the 1700s. High school either. The plague. The plague was big.''
THE 400-YEAR-OLD JOSEF (JASON DOHRING), ON MOONLIGHT

''Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for 12 years, and I am now his cruise director. And my name is Captain Bruisin'.''
MICHAEL SCOTT (STEVE CARELL), ON HIS EXIT INTERVIEW WITH TOBY (PAUL LIEBERSTEIN), ON THE OFFICE

''We now come to our final award: entertainer of the year. An award so prestigious that it recently won the 'Award of the Year' Award at the 2007 Awardie Awards.''
M.C. AT THE 38TH ANNUAL SPRINGFIELD SHOWBIZ AWARDS, ON THE SIMPSONS

''On Wednesday, John Edwards officially endorsed himself for Vice President. It's believed that Edwards' endorsement of Senator Obama will help Obama nail down the critical 'handsome millionaire' vote.''
AMY POEHLER, ON ''WEEKEND UPDATE,'' ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

''Yesterday in an interview with Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton said that she would not quit no matter how bad her numbers looked. Then Katie Couric said the same thing to Hillary.''
Conan O'Brien, on Late Night

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Originally posted May 22, 2008 Published in issue #994 May 30, 2008 Order article reprints