1 DAVID LETTERMAN
He's talking about leaving CBS at the end of his contract. What makes him think they'll still be in business?
2 SUPERMODEL BACKLASH
Fashion designers are saying they're no longer worth the price. And who would know more about overcharging?
The number of non-hits the networks introduced this season. Don't worry, most TV execs'll still get raises.
4 HOWARD STERN'S MISS AMERICA
Pageant officials fear he'll make them look silly. They'd rather do that themselves.
5 O.J. JOKE OF THE WEEK
What has a beard, brown hair, and lives in Sweden? Paula Barbieri.
6 ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLS
The Pet Detective brings back a rare animal from Africa: a cash cow.
7 BALTIMORE BROWNS
Football is about loyalty, and they're in for the long haul. Or until a better offer comes along.
8 WHOOPI GOLDBERG
She's agreed to host the next Academy Awards. That's cutting it close. She has only four months to work on her hair.
9 JOHN TRAVOLTA
He's asking for $21 million for his next film. It's a lot, but remember, he may have to work seven or eight hours a day.
10 IT TAKES TWO
The Olsen twins in the perfect family film. Kids stop misbehaving if you threaten to make them see it.
11 STREETS OF LAREDO
The sequel to Lonesome Dove minus most of the original stars. But that's okay. Fans will recognize two of the horses.
12 COMIC RELIEF 7
Comedians gather to help homeless people. Congress: Comedians gather to make people homeless.
13 NYC MARATHON
Twenty-seven thousand people running. It's either the race or a warehouse sale at Barneys.
14 THE FACE IN THE STARS
Of course it's Jesus. It looks just like his yearbook photo.
15 MICHAEL JACKSON
He was a hit on a German game show. Was it called Guess My Sex?