All About
The Bachelorette
We've been duped! ABC pulled a typical Bachelor and/or Bachelorette move (Brad Womack, DeAnna Pappas, take your pick!) and led us on with last night's Where Are They Now? special. Okay, sure, maybe like a gullible bachelorette, one of many, I went into last night knowing I may be disappointed. I vaguely remembered an unsatisfying Where Are They Now? special from a few months ago, just before London Bachelor Matt crossed the pond to find fame love with Shayne ''Monkey'' Lamas.
Back then we caught up with Bachelors Aaron Buerge (a still single banker who's building an empire of Trolley's restaurants, now that he has two); Bob Guiney (now married and often mistaken for Matt Leinart — he wishes! — or Will Ferrell, a former breath of fresh air in the Bachelor/Bachelorette world that now seems a little stale); and Andrew Firestone (and the woman he married just a couple weeks ago). We also got a chance to take another walk of shame with previous bachelorettes who would have done anything (at one time) for those guys. There were memorable nuts like season 5's gold digger Trish (now married with stepkids and no longer the ''crazy single girl'') and season 9's Erica Rose (who started a line of tiaras because ''every woman needs a tiara,'' to which I respond, ''Every so-called princess needs to look in the mirror before letting her knockers bounce around on national television.'' Thank goodness ABC hasn't stooped to bringing her back for The Bachelorette). There were lesser nuts, some of whom are now engaged, like season 8's Moana, or married, like season 2's Brooke and season 2 and 6's Heather (sadly, the significant others were mute). And then there was ''that girl...whose emotions get out of hand'' according to host Chris Harrison: season 2's Christi, who has settled down with a cute puppy and who told us, ''I know exactly who I am....I'm doing all the things I've ever wanted...by myself, for myself....I could live forever without a husband.'' We were meant to hear independent women roar when really what came to mind was pre-Mark Darcy Bridget Jones. But why waste any more time talking about what you die-hard fans had already seen? My fellow Bachelor/Bachelorette follower Mandi Bierly summed up that show perfectly when it aired months ago.
Well, she did intentionally leave out the Splenda-sweet Trista and Ryan update, which most of us don't really need anyway, having already caught up with the perfect pair numerous times in People. She and Ryan (who, like a junior Brad Pitt, is building their dream ''green'' house) are living their fairy-tale life in Vail, Colo., but only, as Ryan so thoughtfully pointed out, because ''life done properly is romantic.'' They are the series' only true success story so far. ABC and Chris Harrison can tell us about London Matt and Shayne's bliss until the cows come home, but I'm still not buying what they're selling. And the rehashing of their romance montage and appearance last week on After the Final Rose did nothing to convince me otherwise. All I know for sure is that Shayne looked much better during the taping of The Bachelor: London Calling than she does now. I blame the bangs.
NEXT: The Sutter summit
