'Big Brother': Tool Time

Which brings us to last night's HOH game, born from today's headlines: It was an earthquake competition. Fun! Thank God the producers weren't as topically inclined back in season 2, when the houseguests were playing during 9/11. This time, it was yet another endurance competition in which we see who can stand around the longest. When Survivor does one of these, people fight it out in extreme heat, balancing on painfully precarious stumps. Here, everyone just stands on a ledge that's as long as their foot, and it occasionally leans forward around 15 degrees. Oh yeah, and a fan blows dust on them. What next in this living hell, schmutz?

So now we wait to see who will win this competition. Until then, we are left to ponder the big questions — something Julie Chen never ever does. Let's quickly revisit her interview with the houseguests, which is always an exercise in avoiding the interesting. She started out by asking Memphis and Jerry about their blowup. Hmmm...that was actually a good question. Point one for Julie! But then she asked Jerry about his dustup with Michelle, and Jerry said, ''I don't recall my words with Michelle. What were they?'' And then the Chenbot shorted out. This was not the plan! You ask the question posed on the TelePrompTer, the housemate answers it, and you ask the next one! What is this ''interaction'' this old man is trying to start? Danger! Danger!

So what was her response? ''Well, there was a screaming match, but we'll leave it at that.'' Leave it at that? You're the one who brought it up, Julie! And when Jerry remembered, and said, ''I had four of them after me, it was survival,'' Chen cut him off, saying, ''I got it. Moving on...'' and then asked Renny about her birthday. Phew, on to the hard questions! I imagine that if Julie Chen had ever landed an interview with Lee Harvey Oswald, it would have gone something like this:

Chen: Mr. Oswald, why did you shoot President Kennedy?

Oswald: You're assuming I did. Why do you assume that?

Chen: I...I just...Some say you did.

Oswald: I didn't, but I know who did, and I have proof.

Chen: Thanks but no thanks, moving on.

Oswald: But this is the answer to one of the great mysteries of our country!

Chen: Please, I got it. Now, you were famously seen in a book depository. What's your favorite novel?

Oswald: Ohhh, Julie, why do you always have to pick on me? I gotta go with Bridges of Madison County!

Chen: Ha ha ha! Thanks for your time, Lee.