Here I was, your Big Brother watcher, ready to root, root, root for the nitwits on eviction night. I turned on my TV, and what did I see? A New York Jets preseason game! Where was my Big Brother? Oh, wait, there it is: My local CBS affiliate has bumped it to 2 a.m.! Where is their love of competition? I mean, Favre Shmavre, where's the action in football? We have people shooting balls with novelty hockey sticks, people! They're hanging on to fake walls that occasionally shake while CBS production assistants throw dust in their eyes! It's the Olympics of cheap props!
Anyway, all of this is to say that we're doing tag-team, coast-to-coast coverage of this week's BB. Since I'm out in New York and can't catch the eviction show, I'll cover Sunday's and Tuesday's shows, and then ''pass'' the recap over to Lynette Rice, who saw the eviction in L.A., a city that has the common decency not to preempt their buzzless reality shows.
The week began with the culmination of the ''earthquake'' HOH competition. Ollie set the tone of manufactured drama by confessing that he was afraid of heights, therefore ''terrified.'' I should add that they were about six feet above a mat. Does Ollie also get vertigo when reaching onto a high shelf? And then Dan (who for some reason was wearing what looked like a pirate shirt) carefully playacted another bailout, all in the name of making himself look weak. Before he gets too confident in this strategy, he should ask himself: Has any weakling ever won this game? You don't see Chicken George or Bunky sporting the BB crown, do you? Anyway, he might be overdoing it: The way he was fake-writhing on the ledge, you would have thought he was just finishing up an Ironman triathlon. Libra suspected he threw it, saying, ''Something's not just right.'' When the house's biggest drama queen thinks you're over the top, it's time to take another acting lesson, Danislavsky.
The most glorious part of the challenge was watching Jessie go from smug posturing (''I just plan on doing a pull-up if I slip off this ledge'') to grunting, wincing, and finally falling off...52 minutes before Renny, I might add. And then came his gracious speech: ''As far as I'm concerned, that was just a bogus competition.'' Thanks, Jessie! I was playing Arrogant Boob Bingo, and by ticking off my ''Poor Loser'' square, I got a perfect diagonal and won a free Ribwich! (I just narrowly beat my wife, who only needed ''Tears Shirt Off and Gazes at Himself in Mirror'' to win. It just wasn't her night.)
NEXT: Hug me, dude
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