1 Oscar salutes women
''What do you mean they're not happy? That was supposed to keep them off our backs for another 65 years.''
2 Boy George
Back with ''The Crying Game.'' Now he's wearing saris. How Sikh can you get?
3 Academy Awards speeches
Richard Gere wondered if Deng Xiaoping was watching. After that speech, was anyone?
4 Another Marilyn Monroe bio
This one says she was killed by a fatal enema. What a way to go.
5 Andrew Greeley
More priests should write books. It would keep their hands busy.
6 Jack the Bear
Danny DeVito in a three-hankie tearjerker. People will cry as though they'd bankrolled Hoffa.
7 Kim Basinger
She has to pay $9 million for not appearing in a movie. In an odd way, that's a compliment.
8 Bill Gates
Computer billionaire gets a taste of high ''fiancée.'' Love at first byte.
9 Helen Gurley Brown
Sex and the older woman. The leading cause of hr men.
10 The Adventures of Huck Finn
If they can change the title, they can change anything. Who does he meet in the cave now? Amy Fisher?
11 Duran Duran
A comeback comeback. But this time they don't want to play the arenas. As if they were asked.
12 90210 bomb
There must be easier ways to get publicity. But Shannen Doherty has already done most of them.
13 Where's Waldo? ''Nude'' scene
It's like calling a dictionary a dirty book. Sure it is, if you look hard enough.
14 Jean Harris
She's writing, she's making appearances. Imagine how much work she'd get if she had killed two people.
15 California's antismoking law
The only place you can still smoke is in a crackhouse.