'Big Brother': Old-School

One moment I've been saving for last: our much-anticipated trip to the jury house, where we discovered that it was not the house that made April act like a bitch, it was her bitchy self. She entered the house and hugged Libra (in the fakest show of affection since Michael Jackson kissed Lisa Marie Presley on MTV), and then proceeded to rail against Keesha. She said she'd welcome Keesha if she arrived, "and hopefully there won't be any bedrooms available and she'll have to sleep outside." The comedic stylings of April, ladies and gentlemen!

Michelle arrived with a DVD of highlights. Seeing herself on TV, Michelle said, "Oh my God, I do look good on camera!", which bothered me in so many ways that I think I sprained something. But then we were treated to an unpleasant-off between her and April. Watching Keesha hang from the rope swing, April snickered, "She's not losing any weight," to which Michelle replied, "She gained like 15 pounds in her ass." Oh how they laughed and laughed and laughed!...and then, just a minute later, April told the camera, "I left the house with all my respect and dignity and pride. Some of these people actually have to live with themselves outside this game, and I feel sorry for them." Wow, what stereotypically catty behavior. In a week where Governor Palin has proclaimed her nomination to be a great step for women, TV — in the form of April and the scarily skinny female cast of the new 90210— is making sure they push their gender four steps back.

Soon Ollie arrived, and we finally got the resolution to the biggest anti-cliff-hanger ever: Would April be his girlfriend? "Yes!" she cried, and then they hugged. I think this was meant to be a big romantic moment, but it was like watching Donald Trump and Ann Coulter make out. Two unpleasant people become exponentially more unpleasant if they are romantically involved. I'd have been happier to see Jerry and Hissy hook up. Sure, the pillow talk would be endless, but at least their hearts would be in the right place.

Next week there will be two Watches (That's right. Two Watches!) — Wednesday and Friday — after Big Brother features two live eviction shows the nights before.