ANDREW AND DAN Look, I wasn't in a fraternity in college, and thought the whole thing was kind of stupid. That said, I think all fraternities everywhere should file a class action suit against these two for misrepresentation of frat guys. They may be in a frat, but these nervous dweebs aren't in Animal House, they're in Vegetable House. In their opening sequence, they tried their hardest to parrot all the frat-guy signifiers: One of them mumbled that the only six-pack they focus on is in the cooler, not the stomach. And then came the awkward moment when they had to ogle two women, followed by Andrew pushing Dan in the water. (I'll bet the producers had to convince Dan not to put nose plugs on before this stunt.) But any of that playacting was overshadowed by their pessimistic fretting over their place in line to get tickets at the Los Angeles airport, and Dan's bragging about his professional knowledge of the airline industry. If you go visit a university and you want to find the fraternity where guys aren't getting laid, simply listen for the sound of a brother explaining the ins and outs of redeeming frequent flier miles.
MARISA AND BROOKE From what I gathered in their intro, these blond Southern belles are really superficial (we like pearls!) and like to make cupcakes. That's about the only camera time they got, save for two moments: At the top of the 240-foot cargo net descent, Brooke said, "I can't even enjoy the view because I'm about to pee my pants." And then, looking to get a signal to cross a busy street in Brazil, one confused blonde said, "Is there a button to press? This isn't America." Perhaps this means that they will be filling the rare but important Incontinent Ugly American slot.
That said, even the ugliest American won't find anything unattractive about Blong, the candy sensation that's sweeping Brazil. Blong: It's like Carnivale, except with fruit flavor!
KEN AND TINA Now these two have promise. They're like the older version of last season's MVP bickerers, Nate and Jen. Like Nate, former NFL player Ken cheated on his partner, and was hoping she would forgive him. Like Jen, Tina devotes every waking hour to wishing Ken's private parts would be run over by a truck. And since he's penitent and desperate for her absolution, this means that their entire race will consist of her emasculating him on national TV while he is unable to fight back. She's a backseat driver, and yells at him for everything, including not learning Spanish before the trip (although in Brazil they speak Portuguese): Stay tuned for upcoming episodes in which he will be upbraided for not: learning to fly; mastering teleportation; and KEEPING YOUR G-DAMN PECKER IN YOUR PANTS, YOU DISGUSTING PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A MAN. The interesting thing about Tina is that her eyebrows seem to be drawn on, and she appears to have gone to great trouble to draw them on at the angriest angles possible: / This ensures that even if she momentarily forgets herself and feels happy about him, he will never know it because she will always look pissed. I wonder if one day she will skip drawing eyebrows altogether, and just write "HATE" over her right eye and "YOU" over the left.
I will never say, "I hate you" to you, Blong.
NEXT: Brotherly love
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