'America's Next Top Model': Giant Problems

Though I thought this was a fun idea for a photo shoot, I was rather underwhelmed by the pictures. Perhaps that was because most of the girls have the acting chops of Darryl Hannah in Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman. Elina's hellaweak earthquake registered as a 1 on my Richter scale. Lauren Brie's snowstorm was, as Paulina described it, "cheese on ice." (I preferred to think of it as "Brigitte Nielsen in Rocky IV.") Joslyn's rockslide had no movement or emotion, which rightly earned her a spot in the bottom two. Marjorie's (lame) traffic jam had to be directed by traffic cop Mr. Jay — who suddenly decided that broken Barbie doll arms weren't something that would make Miss J. wet himself. (I decided that Marjorie reminded me of Julia Roberts, wearing her blond hooker wig in Pretty Woman.) Clark's blackout had less energy than Britney Spears' 2007 VMA performance. I was glad to see her go home. This was the second shoot that she didn't engage in (see also: the bureaucracy photo for which she didn't tangle herself in red tape). Paulina put it best: "You just look like you are way more into your legs than you are into pulling down the power lines. It doesn't say to me blackout." Clark just doesn't think — that's her problem. She could have gone "balls to the wall," literally, and been standing up against one of the buildings, shielding its windows with her black dress representing the darkness people inside saw when they looked out. (Come on, that's good.)

There were two photos that the judges loved that I really didn't. Sheena appeared to rock her sandstorm shoot on set — she has a lyrical flow to her posing that the other girls lack — but the shot Tyra picked was boring and a bit Velveeta to me. I wanted more motion in the picture, but it made Nigel downright giddy as is, which leads me to believe that he, or someone else on that panel, made a saucy comment about Sheena's shot that was edited out. I also loved watching Analeigh on set — the girl is really working the angles with her legs now — but she lost me when they gave her a hairdryer to hold. I don't think she needed a hairdryer to represent the Santa Ana winds. That's a whole cheese tray, people.

Despite her most awkward utterance of "Is it hot in here? I was a heat wave," McKey was my (and Mr. Jay's) favorite to watch this week. I think her athletic background gave her an edge when it came to interacting with the set — climbing the skyline, hovering between two buildings, etc. I guess Tyra was right: A lot of her most striking poses wouldn't have told the story of a heat wave, but I'd rather see what she did than an overly dramatic melting pose like Tyra mimed at judging.

The best photo of the week was, hands down, Samantha's stunning tidal wave. Mr. Jay acted like it was a stroke of genius to think of, wait for it, MOVING in the water to create a mini wave. I'm pretty sure anyone, other than Clark, would have thought of that. But to Sam's credit, she did do it in a very model-like fashion: crouching and swinging one long, gorgeous straight leg.

So, now we're at the point of the TV Watch where I list a bunch of questions that none of you can/will actually answer: Why were Lauren Brie and Clark sharing a bed? How exhausting is Elina becoming? Can Joslyn return to her former bubbly glory in a photo shoot (as opposed to just when she's talking about Marjorie's nerves)? Do you buy that Marjorie's attitude is a cultural difference? Why is everyone now wearing their princess tiaras when they do their exit interviews? (At least we weren't subjected to offensively large earrings this week.) Weren't you surprised that Analeigh finished second after Paulina said her face was too small? And why didn't one of the girls tell Sheena that wearing a baby doll top to panel is the worst idea she's had since her boob job?

More on ANTM:

America's Next Top Model Season 11 Model Gallery