Maurice Greene and Cheryl: 24/30 First: that jacket. That electric blue, entirely sequined jacket with the clock on the back. I can't for the life of me figure out if it's really the tackiest (and therefore most awesome) jacket in DWTS history, or if I'm missing something obvious, like Jerry Springer's pirate costume if that had been entirely sequined. Either way, all the spangly spirit from Mo's hideous/excellent jacket definitely boosted his performance in the jive. Cheryl's choreography showcased his strength (fast footwork) and didn't overshoot expectations. I even liked the useless antics at the end, with Mo pointing at his watch, then flailing around with a hanky before collapsing on Cheryl's heaving abs. The judges raved, but you could sort of tell they didn't expect him to be this great at any other of the dances. Prove 'em wrong, sporto!
Toni Braxton and Alec: 22/30 All that time and gratuitous crotch shots spent on one potential handstand, and then said handstand pops up nowhere in the most confusing Viennese waltz of all time? Weak! When Toni misspoke and called the dance the ''Vietnamese waltz,'' Alec assured her they weren't going to ''wear straw hats.'' Someone please explain to me how those hideous Marie Antoinette period costumes and a half-orchestral, half-(hardly)-rock and roll version of Beethoven's ''Für Elise'' was any better. Excluding Carrie Ann (a concept that should be applied as often as possible), the judges disapproved of Toni and Alec's gimmick, suggesting she ''just dance'' instead because she has the talent. On the bright side, Toni's been wearing legwarmers during rehearsals. Someone has to. :(
Lance Bass and Lacey: 22/30 These two edgy young people visited a senior living center in preparation for the Viennese waltz, because doubling up on two non-edgy elements in the same day automatically makes the entire situation...edgy. Lacey's careless jab at Cloris — when asked where Cloris was, Lacey told a resident of the center, ''I'm sure after the show, she'll be coming here'' — could stick with her all season, even though the remark was clearly unplanned and later regretted. Ha, those old people hated Lance and Lacey, for real. I kept pausing on some of their not even slightly amused expressions to really take it all in. As for their waltz, again, Carrie Ann loved it, while Bruno and DANCMSTR found faults. Though DANCMSTR did say this waltz was the best dance he'd seen Lance perform.
Cody Linley and Julianne: 21/30 Their jive reminded me of the Disneyland parade Cody and Julianne rode in during their rehearsal segment: It was frantic, way too showy, and you could sense that tweens everywhere were screaming even when they weren't. (Shout-out to fans of The Soup: ''It's Miley!!!!'') Julianne sure does love choreographing jives to spotlight herself while her partner plays second fiddle — or in this case, her leg as a guitar. I'm gonna go ahead and give her a free pass for the week due to an excessive amount of black fringe and inexplicable wig, the combination of which almost completely distracted from Cody's non-dancing.
NEXT: Cloris does it again
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