'The Hills': Love Letter

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Lauren's campaign against a friendship with Heidi has to do with one significant (and utterly dreadful) topic: Spencer. The question she posed to Audrina — "Where do you think we'd all be if Heidi never met Spencer?" — got me thinking, too. Here's how I envision the Hills world if Spencer never entered it: • Heidi and Lauren would still be roommates, but at this point, would have moved to a plush three-bedroom condo (Jen Bunney hopped onto the lease, too) overlooking the Hollywood sign. Lauren would be paying for a majority of the rent, though, as Heidi would still be an assistant at Bolthouse having never worked up the balls to take Elodie's promotion from her.

• Audrina, who was let go from the show after producers found her presence to be too dull to be memorable, would be spending her days bartending on the Sunset Strip. Auditions for a brunette to fill her place would have landed an unknown wannabe singer named Katherine McPhee on the show.

• When given the option of free plastic surgery, Heidi would have declined, causing celebrity weekly magazines to run the headline: Heidi Montag: "I'm happy with my flat chest and lips that actually move."

• Without all the publicity and exposure from the caddy war with Speidi, Teen Vogue would've kept Lauren and Whitney around, eventually moving Whitney to the New York offices for her own spin-off. Kelly Cutrone would still be the fabulous bitchy diva that she is.

• Brody, whose reality show career would've ended with the short-lived Princes of Malibu, would have been offered a gig hosting FUSE's Pants-Off Dance-Off. Only his manager and best pal, Spencer would've advised against it, forcing Brody to instead work as an errand boy for Joe Francis.

• Stephanie Pratt, who was denied acceptance into FIDM, would be in rehab.

I think we should play that game every week! It was a lot more fun than, say, analyzing Audrina's so-called boy troubles. Last night, she went on a date with some dude named Colin, who is the self-proclaimed "happiest drunk you'll ever meet." He seemed like a pretty decent guy (well, except for the fact that he was a little overeager, asking Audrina out two nights in a row), so it's unfortunate that Audrina couldn't stop talking about Justin Bobby on their outings. I find it a little ironic that Audriny was complaining about J. Bob's lack of commitment to her, yet the MTV people still insist on labeling him as "Audrina's boyfriend." I guess I would be just as frustrated as her if a guy I was dating used vague phrases like, "There's ways to go about things, you know, maturely — and maybe immaturely sometimes." With the introduction of BMX champ Corey Bohan next week, looks like be Audrina's love life may be getting much-needed flavor.

Until next time, TV Watchers, tell me: Where do you think our show would be if Spencer were never a part of it? What did you think of Heidi's letter? How much did you love when Holly stood up to Spencer ("The point is there's still a chance, and especially since it doesn't involve you, it sounds like a great option")? Finally, do you think Lauren did or did not hook up with Justin Bobby, as it's been rumored?