1. Billy Ray Cyrus serenades Miley with ''Achy Breaky Heart'' for her
sweet 16
I never realized that song was about having a teen daughter who makes
more money than you do.
2. Clint Eastwood declined GOP VP before he was even asked
Clint has also preemptively turned down the presidency, the UN general
secretaryship, and the Burger King crown they give you on your birthday.
3. Rachel Maddow says Pat Buchanan inspired her
For years, she was under the impression that Buchanan was a lesbian
comedian.
4. Salma Hayek appears to narrowly avoid ''wardrobe malfunction'' on
German TV
At the last second, the German government stepped in to stabilize the
situation.
5. Calista Flockhart's mother has taken up acting in her retirement
Finally, an actress old enough to realistically play opposite Harrison
Ford!
6. Dominick Dunne sees ''sadness'' in O.J. Simpson
He then whispers: ''I'm busting you out, old foe. The '90s aren't over
till we say they are!''
7. Robin Wright Penn, reunited with Sean, reminisces about their first
date: He wore a bola tie, cowboy boots, and a pith helmet
It'll be hard to recapture that magic without a Ted Nugent rummage sale.
8. Lynne Spears says things are looking up
This just in: Lynne Spears is not in possession of a television set or
Internet service.
9. Kevin Bacon to play John Wilkes Booth in Showtime series
Back in 1865, everyone played the ''Six Degrees of John Wilkes Booth''
game.
10. Spies say Kevin Costner met Bull Durham writer-director at Trader
Vic's to discuss sequel
Laugh if you will, but Cocoon 3 is currently being brokered by Wilford
Brimley at a North Hollywood Ralph's.
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