Special guests Ne-Yo and Los Vivancos tried their mightiest to dazzle us, but I definitely missed the pro dance this week. The ''seven guys with six packs'' (Tom made a funny!) were aesthetically intriguing for a minute just by being men without shirts on an open floor, but I can see them popping into one of my more tepid nightmares to stomp around and occasionally tweak their own nipples. And I'd be all, dudes, it's my dream. Planting seven Maks and Alec bobbleheads on my TV screen to simulate a pro dance proved fruitless, as the brothers simply moved too quickly. I also only possess two hands. To sum up the brothers' segment, I'd like to cite a just-received e-mail from my slightly-more-appropriate-than-me mom, Dee Barrett: ''The whole time those flamenco (sp?) guys were dancing, I thought their pants were gonna just slink right on down. Amazing.''
Finally, the Ballroom Kids are back! Yay? I'm a big fan, but I know some of you think it's inappropriate that the wee ones should get judged and eliminated by Dopey, Grumpy, and Randy as if they were real adults and therefore fully eligible to have their dreams crushed. I say it's never too early for misery! No, what I mean is that the judges' comments are always so careful and scripted for the kids, I never worry about their psyches too much. They're competitive ballroom dancers at 10 years old. Their parents probably scrutinize their game faces at the dinner table. I think they can handle Carrie Ann. Jessica, the fashion-forward tyke in neon green, was obviously my favorite because she designed her own Dancing With the Stars costume! And she's 10! I may have missed my calling, but she can live my dream for decades to come.
What do you think, dance masters? Are you humping your furniture out of joy — or anger — because Cloris got to stick around? How filthy of a beast is Susan Lucci, and is anyone else getting tired of the Erica Kane stuff? And who's going to break the news to Lance that you can't coin something someone else said?
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