Scott Brown's Hit List

1. Simon Cowell's girlfriend dumps him over the phone
Sounds harsh, but it's nothing compared with the ''im audi 5000'' text Paula got from her Chihuahua.

2. Britney Spears' new album has song titles like ''Lace and Leather'' and ''Kill the Lights''
Titles that tread that fine line between ''adult'' and ''adult contemporary.''

3. Study says shows like Sex and the City increase teen pregnancy
It's still a mystery why they're not increasing pregnancy rates among the thirtysomething women who actually watched Sex and the City.

4. Paris Hilton is reportedly worried about her spaceflight
No hesitations now, Paris! To inanity...and beyond!

5. Jessica Simpson's hairstylist friend hit in face by paparazzo
Fortunately, he was not hit in the hair.

6. Plans to build tallest building in Ireland — with U2 recording studios at the top — are suspended in Dublin
Enya is thought to have been behind its undoing, invested as she is in the nearby 60-story ''Enya Pinnacle.''

7. People.com says Zac Efron's abs look so perfect because of a ''balance training tool''
It must be the same tool McDonald's once used to punch out those perfectly formed McRibs.

8. Sienna Miller slathers herself in cow blood for new music video
She then presses her handprint to poster paper, adds a beak and feet with a crayon, and makes a ''blood turkey.''

9. Michael Jackson says he won't participate in Jackson 5 reunion tour
No Michael? Holy crap, who's gonna handle those tambourine parts?

10. Video of AC/DC's ''Rock 'N Roll Train'' released in Microsoft Excel format
I'm releasing one too. It's called ''Tax Deductions 2008'' and it will break your heart.