'The Bachelor' Season Premiere Recap: Hello, My Name is Desperate

Anyhow, we've finally arrived at the pagan reality TV ritual known as the ''rose ceremony.'' Who will get a rose and who will ''lose their chance at love forever''? (Really, ABC? Forever? Are you going to have a sniper shoot them in the neck as they exit the mansion to ensure that they won't live to love another day?) The all-important first rose goes to — WTF — Lauren! And that wasn't the only surprise. Tooth Nazi and Kari ''I like sushi and cookie dough ice cream'' from Kansas also got roses; I guess Jason is looking for romance with a side of crazy. And then there were some not-so-surprising eliminations: Treasure — who seemed remarkably normal — will never get the chance to explain to America how she got that name, Jackie was left standing at the altar at her imaginary beach wedding, and Renee's vision board technology failed her miserably.

Wow, that was intensely embarrassing for all involved. And I loved it! How about you? Wait, before you answer that, be sure to click on the extended scene below to relive Jackie's freakishly candid admissions about the lengths she's gone to in the past to land a guy — and then keep watching to see her imagine what her (never-gonna-happen) first kiss with Jason will be like (hint: there will be tongue). And if that's not enough Bonus Bachelor for you, check out host Chris Harrison's exclusive blog over on EW's Popwatch blog, featuring hilarious behind-the-scenes tidbits.

Okay, Bachelor lovers, time to start posting. What did you think of the bogus ballot-box twist? Don't you wish Renee and her vision boards could have stuck around a little longer? And why in God's name did two women choose to wear leopard print dresses?