'American Idol' Recap: Big Love-fest

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Most Likely to Parlay His Idol Moment into a Motivational Speaking Gig: Austin Sisneros I'll preface this by saying that I get no enjoyment from hearing life lessons spring forth from the mouths of teenagers. So when Austin declared he was ''auditioning to inspire people and tell people it's okay to follow their dreams,'' I feared my remote-control had developed its own consciousness — how's that for a horror-film plot? — and switched the channel over to some kind of testosterone-y version of the Miss America pageant. Come on, is there really some kind of movement against folks following their dreams? Do we really need the Riverton High School class president to instruct us that such dream-chasing is a noble and worthy pursuit?

Anyhow, the judges were totally on key when they questioned Austin's song choices — Train's not-good ''When I Look to the Sky'' and Raffi 's even-worse ''It Takes a Village'' — but they went off pitch when they gave him his golden ticket. To my ears, Austin's vocals were breathy and slightly strained: He might have a singing superstar deep within, but it's going to take some voice lessons, some life experience, and maybe a set of Anthony Robbins DVDs to unlock his potential. None of which is to say that Austin didn't make for good television, or that he won't end up scoring the Annual Will Makar Trophy awarded to that handsome whippersnapper who makes tween girls swoon until they've heard him sing live from the Idol semifinal stage. Still, more likely to advance to the viewer-voting portion of the show's eighth season is...

Most Likely to Give Jordin Sparks a Panic Attack: Taylor Vaifanua She's goofy! She's Amazonian! She's got a voice that's 5' 11'' — without heels! And you know Simon, Paula, Randy, and (probably) Kara love that combo! But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling slightly ambivalent about the girl who looks like a younger, more athletic Kim Kardashian — with the skank scrubbed off. I was surprised, actually, that Taylor chose ''Joyful, Joyful'' as her audition number, and even more taken aback that none of the judges called her out for picking a hymn. Not that there's anything wrong with hymns. But last time I checked, the pop charts weren't really runnething over with that Beethoven sound. Again, not that there's anything wrong with Beethoven. Oh, and speaking of contestants already exhibiting questionable song-selection skills, how about...

Most Likely to End Up in the Family Business: David Osmond It was obvious, really, why Idol chose to kick off the night with David's audition, seeing how he's not only the proud owner of a ridiculous soul patch, but also the son of Utah's own Alan Osmond. (That clip from the Osmond Brothers Boys' Quartet on The Andy Williams Show was all kinds of awesome — and I say that without a hint of saracasm.)

So why do I think David's destined for a very Osmond career when he happens to have a pretty sweet voice (and decidedly David Cook-ian hair)? Well, I really can't see a scenario in which Simon and Co. throw one of the 36 coveted semifinal slots to a 29-year-old contestant with famously clean-cut aunts and uncles who chose to introduce himself to the world with Take 6's ''Something Within Me.'' No, I'm not a heartless bastard. I was moved by David's positive attitude in the face of his struggle with MS, the same disease that stopped his own father's performance career. But the judges were right that David threw in way too many runs, and I'm pretty sure I detected a few jank notes in the mix, to boot.

Most Likely to Not Be Heard from Again I thought Jarrett Burns' rendition of ''Put Your Records On'' was actually pretty soulful and solid, but the way the producers ran his performance together with that cacophonous montage of bad auditions — including that girl in the blue top who held onto her one downtrodden note with a conviction that bordered on brutality — makes me think he's probably not on their list of favorites.

Oh, and speaking of the night's rejected applicants, here are a few questions for you: Was I the only one who hated the way the cameras wouldn't get out of Tara Mathews' face? I know she chose her own brand of humiliation with those hideous garters and gloves, but I swear if Fox could get clearance to air it, they would've dangled her from the ceiling and let the blindfolded judges hit her with sticks till all her self-esteem came tumbling out. And as for Chris Kirkham's gimmicky audition, while the segment went on way too long, and wasn't particularly entertaining, the look on Simon's face when ''Greg the Rabbit'' strolled into the room made it all worthwhile. Is there anyone on TV who can pack so much disgust, shock, and horror into a single facial expression? Finally, why was Ryan wearing his best lumberjack drag and describing the Golden Tickets as ''yellow''? (Yes, they're yellow, but that's not what they're called. Sheesh.)