'American Idol' recap: (Not So) Super Cuts

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In the role of...guy who is probably not going to change: Von Smith VON, WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME? ME, I'M ONLY SHOUTING AT YOU, SO YOU CAN HEAR ME OVER THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN SHOUTING! SOMEWHERE DOWN IN YOUR PANCREAS, I BET YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL VOICE. BUT I ALSO BET NO ONE IN YOUR LIFE EVER TOLD YOU THAT SINGING WITH FEELING IS NOT THE SAME THING AS SINGING SO HARD THAT YOUR VEINS START THROBBING, ALLOWING ME TO TAKE YOUR PULSE JUST BY LOOKING AT YOUR NECK. YOU SAID THAT FOR NEXT TIME, YOU NEED TO ''WORK HARDER.'' BUT I WOULD SUGGEST YOU ACTUALLY DO THE OPPOSITE AND WORK ''LESS HARD.'' TRUST ME.

Also, Von (hush, now...you're really going to enjoy this quieter volume once your ears adjust), I also wanted to make a translation from Cowellese to English: When Simon calls a song ''indulgent nonsense,'' that just means he's never heard of it before. That said, I had to Google your lyrics to figure out you were singing James Morrison's ''If the Rain Must Fall,'' which, yeah, was totally indulgent nonsense.

As for the other contestants who succeeded in cracking the group rounds, and scoring some airtime, let's try (because it's waaay late and this column is waaay long) to sum each one up in ten words or less.

Nathaniel Marshall: Pierce chin, ''music on my skin!'' Boy loves tattoos, drama.

Jackie Tohn: Delightful despite (because of?) sequined fannypack. ''Rock Me Right'' indeed!

Jasmine Murray: Record exec's dream. Much better in Hollywood than audition. Hmmmm.

Jeremy Michael Sarver: Roughneck seems nice. Can't remember voice though. Uh-oh.

David Osmond: How will I feel about Madonna's daughter in season 17?

Emily Wynne Hughes: Admission of nerves scored big points. Judges way too harsh?

And on that note, what did you think of night one of Hollywood Week? Do you think the ''Idol Boot Camp'' made any difference? How come Fox repeated so much footage before, after, and in between the commercial breaks? Were you as bummed as me that Jessica Furney (the girl who took care of her grandma) got booted? And did you laugh as hard as me at Dennis Brigham's demand to know ''What kind of message are you sending America?'' after he got cut? Do hit the comments section to discuss all of the above, but before you do, check out my countdown of Idol's 10 All-Time Best Hollywood-Week Moments!