1. Malcolm X Controversy
If you don't like Spike Lee's movie, make your own. Nobody's stopping you yet.
2. Final Exit
Haven't read it, but must be good. People keep sending me gift copies.
3. Ronald Reagan Jr.
If only Patti Davis had had parents like his, she might be a happier person.
4. Luke Perry
The Beverly Hills 90210 star caused a teen riot just by arriving. Axl Rose caused one when he left. Teens. Go figure.
5. Julie Warner
Doc Hollywood's big surprise. Several producers have asked, ''Where do unknowns come from?''
6. Tin Machine Cover Scandal
It might be considered poor taste if Raffi put naked Greek statues on his album covers, but David Bowie? Grow up.
7. Cutoff Overalls
Fashion meets the farm. Will there be enough manure to go around?
8. Martin Short
How bad is Pure Luck? Even the French don't think it's funny.
9. Suing for Libel
Tom Selleck settled. Doris Day just filed. Someday everyone will sue the Globe for 15 minutes.
10. The Commitments
Alan Parker's film of an Irish soul band. His next movie is about Japanese mariachis.
11. The Maury Povich Show
Yet another new yak show. What's left to talk about? Sex with pets? Should Tupperware make coffins?
12. Today's Arthur Kent
Norville all over again. Looks are fine, but let them pay their dues before they read the news.
13. Barbra Streisand
Starting the buzz for The Prince of Tides. Like it matters. Her fans would watch her do laundry for hours.
14. Wayne Newton
Nearly didn't recognize him without that mustache. What'd he do, erase it?
15. Monster Mergers
Consolidating banks should save them tons. They'll be passing those savings along to us, right?