'Survivor: Tocantins' Recap: You Can't Handle the Tooth!

'Survivor: Tocantins' Recap: You Can't Handle the Tooth!

Typing with one hand is hard. I know this because I sit here writing up my Survivor TV Watch while my left hand remains glued to my mouth in horror. At the sight of Coach, you ask? For once, no. At the fact that I'm all out of Milwaukee's Best? Nope, since there is some leftover Corona in the fridge from my recent 4th Annual Tacky T-Shirt Party. No, this particular horror involves...teeth. I have a teeth thing. To be clear, teeth themselves I don't have a particular problem with — although years of headgear and retainers gives me every right to. No, my issue is with any sort of chipped or knocked out teeth. Freaks me out. I have nightmares about all my teeth falling out which I am fairly certain is symbolic for something very horrible that I am too scared to look up. No one loves seeing people get whacked in the face more than I do, but when it comes to tooth damage, I lose it. And contrary to what that may lead you to believe, I am not a big softy. Hell, I can take a movie like Evil Dead 2 — in which a character cuts off his own hand with a chainsaw, watches the hand escape and give him the finger, and then blows it away with a shotgun — no problem. But as soon as teeth get involved, I automatically retreat to my happy place and start humming "Me Ol' Bamboo" from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. (By the way, it just took me five-and-a-half hours to type this paragraph).

So watching J.T. lose part of his tooth in the immunity challenge was hard to take. And I'm guessing I'm not alone. Even tough guy Probst got a little wincy upon hearing the news. But there were plenty of other wince-inducing moments from this latest episode of Survivor: Tocantins. The episode began the way all episodes should begin — with sex noises. However these sex noises were merely Taj on the receiving end of a Stephen back scratch. "I've never brought such pleasure to a woman before," said Stephen, and deep down I think we all believed him. Taj promptly repaid the debt by pulling the hidden immunity idol out of the statue's butt and giving it to Stephen for safe keeping. Show of hands if you yelled "IDIOT!" at the top of your lungs at the TV screen right about now. Yeah, that's what I thought. Look, I get that Stephen has pockets so he can conceal the idol better than you, Taj, but you never, ever, ever hand the idol over to someone else to hold for you. Hell, I'd rather wear it around my neck for everyone to see instead of giving it to someone else who could potentially then vote me out or simply decide not to give it back. True, Taj could threaten to send her husband over to separate Stephen's head from the rest of his body after the game ends if he turned on her, but if I want an idol to stay safe, it stays with me.

NEXT: Miles and miles of toilet paper