'Survivor Tocantins' Recap: Debbie Does Math...Badly

Okay, we have a lot to get through because I'm going to give out my seasonal rankings and reveal where this one falls when compared against all of the others. (Usually I would do that after the penultimate episode, but Lynette Rice will be filling in for me on that one, so you're getting it a week early.) Probst said this would be a top 5 season. Was he on or off the mark? We'll see later in the column. But first, let's start with an admission that regular readers know all too well: I'm not a big fan of the loved ones from home episode. Simply too much crying and hugging for my taste. Yes, I have a heart of stone, and yes, I'm probably in the minority on this. But what frustrated me most of all was that the producers missed a golden opportunity that could have made the whole thing worthwhile. They could have used the visiting family members to create some true drama, but instead they couldn't resist getting a Heisman Trophy winner on the show. However, we'll get to that soon enough.

The episode began with Coach on a rampage. ''Erinn and Taj need to be cut off at the knee-caps,'' he proclaimed. ''This is the time for the Warrior Alliance. There's a reason why we have a name.'' Uh, yeah, because you insisted on bestowing it upon yourself! Me, I probably would have opted for Crazy–Man-Alliance-of-One, but to each their own. According to Coach, he was surrounded by cowards, cowardly lions, and possibly a flying monkey army in league with the Wicked Witch of the West. There were so many more bizarre quotes that came from his lips at this time, I don't even know what to include, so let's just move on.

Speaking of moving on, Debbie was ready to move away from Coach. Smart. But then she went waaaaaaay overboard in doing so, tipping Stephen and J.T. off as to what a schemer she was and the lengths she would go to to get further in the game. The more she tried, the bigger hole she dug for herself. But let’s take a time-out from Debbie's self-destruction to head on over to the Survivor auction. Each contestant was given $500, could not share money or food, and had to bid in $20 increments. Let me just emphasize that last part again: YOU MUST BID IN $20 INCREMENTS. Everyone got it? We're sure? Great. And awaaaaaaay we go. First up: French fries! Here goes Taj bidding $40. Looks like Debbie is interested as well. She bids…$50? Okay, simple mistake. She obviously just wasn't paying attention to Probst's directions. But now that's he's reminded her that they must be in — say it with me now — $20 increments, I'm sure she'll be fine.

So, Debbie. To recap, Taj has bid $40. What would you like your bid to be?

''$70.''

NEXT: Things don't add up for Debbie