'Big Brother': Ain't That a Clique in the Head

'Big Brother' recap: New cast, new twist, one old player

Can you believe it's the eleventh season of Big Brother? Before we begin the season's recaps, let's take a moment to make a mutual promise, shall we? Repeat after me: ''I, (your name), vow never to add up just how many hours I have spent watching this show over the last decade, for this would lead to calculating how many books I could have read, hugs I could have administered to my children, or meals I could have knitted for the less fortunate in the same amount of time.'' Okay, everyone done repressing the urge? Good, then let's get started.

Cliques ahoy! This season the houseguests have been broken up into four groups that reflect high school cliques — Athletes, Brains, Popular, and Offbeat — and, as Julie Chen promised, ''this will take the game to a whole?new?level.'' Because as we all know, without this forced divisiveness the housemates would randomly intermingle, casting aside all preconceptions about looks or quirkiness. Damn it, producers, why must you disturb what would otherwise be a Utopia!

First on the show was my favorite part of the Big Brother season: the discoveries of the keys! I do so enjoy watching the contestants feign surprise at finding they're in the game, as if the surrounding camera crew wasn't a tip-off. Nerd Ronnie got so fake-excited he almost made fake blood drip out of his nose and had a fake coronary. But even better than the simulated surprise are the personalized battle cries, i.e. ''I'm Jeff, and this Chicago boy's gonna tackle the competition.'' You see what he did there? He tailored some braggadocio to fit his own love of football. Now you try it, Kevin! ''I'm Kevin, and this designer is gonna drag, click, and crop the competition.'' Great, and?wait, what? Are you describing your strategy, or just giving a tutorial on iPhoto?

NEXT: Who's who in the Athletes