The Bullseye: August 7, 2009

HITS
· Turn yourself into a Mad Men character at amctv.com. You'll instantly become 50 percent cooler.
· The new Tru Blood beverage; refreshment with a bite.
· William Shatner performs Sarah Palin's farewell speech as beat poetry. Maya Angelou dies a little bit inside.
· Perhaps hydrogen bombs don't kill? Fan favorite Juliet is returning to Lost.

NEAR MISSES
· Lionel Richie and Bai Ling supposedly dating. Apparently those eHarmony personality tests really do work.
· A website is counting down the days until Taylor Lautner turns 18. (Six months away, you perv.)
· Verne Troyer: Seriously, how cute is his putter?
· Secretly rooting for LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian.
· Listening to Jordin Sparks' album on repeat; wishing there were a pill to take to treat a bad case of self-loathing.
· Loving that the Candy/Tori Spelling feud is only getting crazier. Writes Candy in an open letter, ''To: middle-aged reality show stars (like my daughter).''

MISSES
· Taylor Momsen says: ''I would eat a boy my age alive.'' Well, at least she'd be eating something.
· Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin attend D-bag convention in Hamptons last week.
· Better sleep aid than Ambien: the title track of Whitney Houston's new album, I Look to You
· Sex and the City 2 casts for lesbians. Kate Gosselin sends her hair to audition.
· Bachelorette chick: Thrilled that you found love with Mr. Performance Anxiety, but it's time for you to go away now.
· Kevin Federline, do you have another baby on board?
· Heather Mills buys vegan food line; vegetables of the world form a resistance army.
· Orlando Bloom reportedly passes on Pirates of the Caribbean 4 to spend time with girlfriend; this is the face of the new Yoko Ono.
· Fanboys momentarily pay attention to Jennifer Love Hewitt when she announces she'll launch a comic book; return to Xbox 360s once they realize it doesn't star her breasts.