'Big Brother' recap: Grieve Me Alone

'Big Brother' recap: Crazy meltdowns continue

I'd like to start out by thanking the Big Brother house. I went on vacation for two weeks, and they patiently waited for me to return to go utterly insane. God bless you, crazy bastards. God bless you.

When I returned and found out that Jessie had been bounced, courtesy of the Coup d'Etat, I thought I'd missed the big moment of the game, but little did I know that his eviction was just a necessary set-up for the excitement to come. It was as if his eviction was just the pin-setter coming down before the strike. Sunday's show began with Jordan stating that she was utterly shocked by Jeff's move, but to be fair, Jordan is shocked when the sun comes up every morning: she just never sees it comin'. Jessie was gracious enough to tell Jeff that it was a good move, a sentiment none of his surviving pinhead allies would allow.

A quick last note on Jessie because I didn't have a chance to say it last week: Try as he may, that guy just can't muster a personality. Whenever he talks, he sounds like he's just been rousted out of another of his epic naps. Is carrying around his massive arms that exhausting? He keeps referring to himself as an ''entertainer,'' but it's pretty hard to entertain when you're in a permanent state of REM sleep.

Okay, back to this week. One of my favorite parts in every season of Big Brother is the inevitable moment when a team once in power is suddenly marginalized, and they become so bitter that they start demonizing the other side as ''evil'', and proclaim themselves ''good.'' And this year we got it right on schedule, with Natalie weeping, ''The ugly and the bad get rewarded in this game, and the good just seem to go down in burning flames even when they do everything right.'' You can think of a lot of epithets to call Jeff and Jordan — all synonyms for ''dumb'' — but ugly and bad? That's like calling a Beanie Baby evil.

Then it was time to sit shiva for Jessie. Oh, the weeping, the rending of garments! It's so hard to pick my favorite Lydia encomium to the Napping Wonder. Was it, ''He didn't get in my head, he got in my heart''? Or was it, ''He had such a good spirit, such a present soul''? No, it would have to be, ''And you know he prayed for us all the time, do you know that?'' Uh, Lydia, just because he had his eyes closed didn't mean he was praying. That had to be one of the most deliciously stupid moments I've ever seen on this show: It put the BB6 grieving for Cappy to shame. It also gave me my first good feelings toward Kevin, thanks to his commentary on just how stupid his allies were being: ''They act like he was hit by a Mack truck...Please girls, the guy was an idiot.'' Now there's a eulogy!

NEXT: Chima ''drops'' her mic in a long-distance accident