'Dancing With the Stars' recap: The Votes Don't Lie

'Dancing With the Stars' recap: The Votes Don't Lie

Surprise elimination! Ultimate Fighting Champ Chuck Liddell and everyone's favorite Anna, the fiery Ms. Tre-BUN-skaya, will no longer be with us in season 9. I'm a little sad — I thought Chuck might have had hot pockets of fans all over the country to keep him in. I'm guessing he's not too upset. When the judges praise your entertainment value, your cute kids get to be on TV, and your excellent partner's final words to you include such eloquence as ''You are a bear and you are my hippo,'' is there really any cause for complaint?

Aaron Carter and Karina were in the bottom two with Chuck — not Michael Irvin and Anna D., as I'm guessing most of us had expected. Aaron will not be crying for at least another week, and neither will Louie Vito, as he was quick to point out during last night's show. Melissa Joan Hart got the encore for the highest-scoring but not exactly the best Charleston from Monday night. DANCMSTR faked us all out by promising the encore to Joanna and Derek's Lambada, or maybe Derek suffered a rare bout of performance anxiety at the last minute and wasn't sure if he could climax again so soon.

Derek for Bachelor? Or maybe those two average-looking dudes planted in the front row? Nope, it'll be Jake. Or, as Kristen Baldwin puts it on PopWatch: Jake is the new Bachelor. What, was a box of rocks not available? Good question. I'd much rather watch a reality dating series about Derek — he should at least be the shirtless Ken doll who shows up poolside to teach the ''ladies'' all about how the forbidden dance is...Lambada. Anyone else?

I don't know who Shakira thought she was kidding by attempting to perform on a Dancing With the Stars results show sans the visual enhancement of Our Pros. A group number to ''Hips Don't Lie'' would have been full-out poetry in motion. But I guess I can take a joke. Those background dancers/fancy Asian percussionist hybrids behind her during ''Did It Again'' certainly were not kidding around. A significant chunk of my consciousness over the last 90 minutes has devoted itself to wondering whether Shakira's clip-on ponytail could kill me if she whipped it hard enough. I don't want to be thinking that; I just have been!

NEXT: Hidden Gems...that's right, plural