'American Idol' premiere recap: Bean There, Done That

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The remainder of the episode, though, turned out to be a time for Simon and Kara to shine — albeit in very different ways. Kara ended up as the object of ridicule while facing off against the most hapless contestants. Have the show's producers decided to give her the ''buffoon edit'' until she gets educated about Studio 54 and the music of early Aerosmith? I couldn't fathom, for example, why the show was opening with (and spending way too much time) on midriff-exposing Janet McNamara and her obsession with the Idol video game until she mistook Kara for Paula Abdul, then later referred to her (in an interview with Seacrest) as ''the Kara girl on the left.'' Later, when trying to reprimand the surly Andrew Fenlon, Kara seemed to suddenly start spouting a mixture of dialogue from a bad late-night Cinemax film and ABC's SuperNanny. ''You need a spanking! You need a spanking! That's what you need. You've been very naughty!'' she shrieked. Oh would that Posh Spice had given her a time-out in a corner of the audition room!

On the other hand, the cranky British judge truly seemed to revel in his role as a voice of reason to the deluded Boston ''vocalists.'' Simon mistreatment of Norberto Guerrero — he of the Winger-meets-Army of Lovers coif, silver sequined vest, and chin-strap beard — stung a little, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't laugh at this succinct assessment: ''You sing like a three-year-old girl, you dress like LaToya Jackson, and you have a beard.'' That settles that, then. And I almost gave a standing ovation when Simon explained to anime-loving, kimono-wearing Mere Doyle that by crushing her music dreams, he was giving her the best news of her life. His eventual follow-up — ''I would love to fly to the moon, but I can't. [Brief pause.] Actually, I could.'' — was so flawlessly executed, I almost wished for Simon's sake he could've gotten up, exited the room, and ended his Idol run right there. I mean, I hate to see the guy go, but after so many seasons of service, he's going to be hard-pressed for a better parting shot than that.

What did you think of the season premiere? Did you feel Paula's absence, or, like me, did you barely notice it? (Well, except that in the absence of the ''Straight Up'' singer's constant interruptions, Simon actually got to finish his sentences.) Did any of tonight's singers strike you as potential winners? And how did Victoria Beckham rate as guest judge? Give your thoughts in the comments below, then follow me on Twitter @EWMichaelSlezak.