'American Idol' recap: Ladies' Blight

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WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR YOU?

Apparently, not much, if Brown's first name is Lacey and she's singing ''Landslide''

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Haeley Vaughn: C How is it possible that Haeley's ''I Want to Hold Your Hand'' made me feel like I'd been placed smack in the center of a blaring police siren, and yet was not nearly as bad as I expected it to be? Was it the fresh coat of protective glitter-powder Idol's makeup overlords sprinkled on the adorable teenager? Was it the fact that her signature crimson axe automatically short-circuits my brain by making me think of Kris Allen's lovely ballad ''Red Guitar''? Or could it be that it makes me a little nuts that this kid might've maybe been a legit contender if the judges had made her wait till season 11 to crack the semifinals?

So while, yes, I resent Haeley for prematurely grabbing a season 9 slot from Tasha Layton or Mallorie Haley or Angela Martin, I admire her... is it pluck, perhaps? I mean, it takes a certain amount of admirable chutzpah (or is it utter cluelessness?) for a bubbly teenager to stand in front of 25 million viewers, grab hold of a classic Beatles' track, and ''make'' ''it'' ''her'' ''own.'' No, the performance didn't quite work, but it didn't bore me to tears like...

Ashley Rodriguez: C- So right here right now, I'm going to put as much thought into critiquing Ashley's cover of Leona Lewis' bland ballad ''Happy'' as Ashley did in selecting a predictable diva track on which she could only fail by comparison to the original. Moving right along...

Paige Miles: C- Okay, I know I said I wasn't going to critique the judges tonight, but if Simon thinks Paige is the most talented female singer in season 9, and he thinks a woman is destined to win this year, how completely frakking painful are the next 14 weeks going to be? Because oh-em-gee, I didn't hear a single note in tune during Paige's cover of Free's ''All Right Now.'' And trust me, I wanted to be able to give Paige some kind of love, considering she got about 18 seconds of total airtime prior to tonight's episode, and then was forced to perform in the deathly lead-off position.

But when you combine her whack vocals with her interview references to ''pee'' and ''snot,'' and that unfortunate belted black-lace number, you've got a recipe for automatic elimination. Of course, if some viewers forget the mere existence of Ashley, Lacey, and/or Janell, and others blindly follow Simon's instructions that Paige is worth saving, maybe this lady will have another week to prove she's not some random prankster who's getting her 15 minutes of fame while keeping an actual singer named Paige Miles locked away in the trunk of her car. Yowza, that sentence freaked me out a little bit. ''Next time, on 48 Hours Mystery....''

Lacey Brown: D+: ''She took 'Landslide,' she took it down/ Left Stevie Nicks with a big ole' frown/ And I hit the mute button on my cable remote/ Yes a 'Landslide' brought her down/ Oh mirror in the sky, what's this note?/ Why does this redhead Texan sound like a goat?/ Can I sail through the changing channels, boss?/ Will I find myself fired if I turn to Lost?/ Whoa-oh/ Well I've been afraid of changes/ To my very favorite show/ But Kara gets bolder/ And Simon get older/ And I'm getting older, too./ She took 'Landslide,' oh she took it downnnn.''

What did you think of tonight's Top 12 ladies? Who were your favorites? Who do you think is going home on Thursday? And how did you feel about the judges' performances last night? Share your thoughts in the comments section, and don't forget to watch last week's Idolatry embedded below for what might be a final glimpse at the mysterious Theri. Oh, and if you don't already, do follow me on Twitter @EWMichaelSlezak. #UWontRegretIt!