'American Idol' recap: The Jaggered Edge

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MON WITH THE SHOW

Tim Urban put an unfortunate reggae twist on ''Under My Thumb''

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And finally we come to the four folks who most likely will/should be tapped for elimination this week: Lacey Brown, Katie Stevens, Andrew Garcia, and Tim Urban.

Lacey Brown: ''Ruby Tuesday'' Dear Lacey, I am so sorry about your dry-cleaning accident this week. The way your beige bustier and your grandmother's doily collection got cauterized to your black-and-white vertical striped blouse, and the way said blouse got one shoulder torn off during the ironing process... well, it's a wonder you had the courage and the strength to get up on that stage and sing at all. With all that in mind, I am so proud of you for sticking it out up there.

But while there are definite sweet spots in your vocal, and while I kind of enjoy the idea of you on paper as a quiet, lilting folkie who veers in a direction that's atypical in the Idol arena, you definitely have ''some issues where you don't hit the notes right,'' as Kara so politely put it. I could say the same (probably worse) to...

Katie Stevens: ''Wild Horses''
Name: Stevens, Katie
Occupation: Future Miss Connecticut
Goal: To achieve world peace... in Connecticut.
Favorite Vacation Location: The spotlight.
Future Book Title: Everything I Learned About Singing, I Learned from Katharine McPhee on Idol.
Areas for Improvement: Being able to hit notes when not in full diva-belting mode; brushing up on history of Rolling Stones and their lead singer… Mick… Jagger?.
Quote of the Night: ''I have no other choice but to be old''

Andrew Garcia: ''Gimme Shelter'' Bob Barker would be proud. Andew took the Stones' most riveting piece of work, ''Gimme Shelter'' and had it spayed, neutered (you can do both to a song), and left for 24 hours in a cleansing bath of rubbing alcohol. Kara (yes, I am gonna say it) nailed it with her critique that Andrew's twist on the gut-wrenching ditty about war and violence and love in our modern times lacked an inherent emotional connection. Just because Simon's not wired for that kind of stuff doesn't mean he should have rudely tried to one-up Kara by asking if Andrew should've brought a tank on stage. Sorry, dude, not everything in music is literal, despite what the guys of Il Divo tell you.

Tim Urban: ''Under My Thumb'' For those of you paying half-attention to the lyrics of Tim's song choice last night, let's review 'em, shall we?:
Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around

It's down to me
The difference in the clothes she wears
Down to me, the change has come,
She's under my thumb
Ain't it the truth babe?

Under my thumb
The squirmin' dog who's just had her day
Under my thumb
A girl who has just changed her ways

It's down to me, yes it is
The way she does just what she's told
Down to me, the change has come
She's under my thumb

Now, look, we can all clap our hands with glee because Tim wasn't horribly out of tune throughout the performance. (Ellen, diluting the word ''great'' forever, declared ''you sounded great!'' with practiced enthusiasm, but thankfully, no hug.) And, um, yeah, I guess as Kara said, dude made the song his own by adding a reggae beat. Just like I could type the following nonsense — whfw3bfowqnfw'qf!!!k;jbc — and make this sentence ''my own.''

But all that is just a bunch of smoke and mirrors, a distraction from the truth that Tim is a musical colander. The words spill forth from him with all the nuance and conviction of boiling pasta water running through a sieve and going down the drain, never to be thought of or contemplated again. To me, ''Under My Thumb'' was the craziest kind of unintentional comedy, a theatre of the bizarre in which Tim gets rewarded for delivering a disturbingly misogynist anthem by having hoardes of tween girls text their votes on his behalf — under parental supervision. Maybe it's because I grew up in a house with five very outspoken sisters and a politically minded mother, but my inner feminist isn't sure whether to laugh or to cry that no one specifically pointed out to Tim the inherent horror of his performance. I'm overcome with the urge to paraphrase that great quote in that big, popular book: ''Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he's doing!'' Tim actually seems like a nice kid, and I'm glad for him he's being recognized as an individual rather than a single-serving unit from the multipack of his family, but not like this, dude. Not like this.

Finally, tonight's grades:
Crystal Bowersox: A
Siobhan Magnus: A-
Didi Benami: B+
Lee Dewyze: B+
Aaron Kelly: B
Michael Lynche: B-
Casey James: B-
Paige Miles: B-
Lacey Brown: C+
Katie Stevens: C-
Andrew Garcia: C-
Tim Urban: F

What did you think of tonight's show? Who will and should go home? Who was your favorite? Post your thoughts in the comments below, but before you do, check out our latest installment of Idolatry, embedded below. If not for yourself, then do it for Alex Lambert, Katelyn Epperly, Lilly Scott, and Todrick Hall.