'Lost' (S2): The thrilling conclusion of Doc Jensen's visit to the island
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Here we are, folks: the final chapter of Doc Jensen's Lost Diary. As you'll soon read, Doc Jensen got to witness what amounts to be a tantalizing appetizer to tonight's season finale, which promises to be a feast of juicy developments. (At least, we hope so.) (It BETTER be, darn it!) But first: Some theories and predictions from you, the Lost fan and loyal reader.]
First up: Sean Dunleavy, who has an interpretation of Lost as a grand allegory for the Bush Administration's approach to the war in Iraq.
''I couldn't help but notice all the conspicuous political references in [your recent cover story in Entertainment Weekly magazine]. Am I seeing things like Hurley, or is Doc maybe starting to come over to the 'allegory side'?''
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Doc Jensen is a political ignoramus who can't tell a donkey from an elephant they all look like a bunch of monkeys to him.]
Dunleavy continues: ''As a quick side note, [my] allegory predicts that this community of ''Others'' who first kidnapped Claire, then Walt, and now Michael is ''pretending,'' just as Walt said. According to the theory, these people represent ''the neocons,'' and they've been dressing up like the REAL-Zeke (''Saddam'') in order to frame him. Who's the REAL-Zeke? The bearded scientist at the end of the Pearl Hatch video. He's not a nice fellow, but he's done nothing to the castaways, and he and his people are about to get attacked as part of FAKE-Zeke's frame-up. There we have the symbolic version of the false intelligence that led to the invasion of Iraq!''
''Neocons''? Huh. Aren't those the robot bad guys on Battlestar Galactica?
Speaking of politically loaded sci-fi, here's a letter from Jill Sheedy, whose Lost-is-just-like-Star Wars theory has brought her to the following conclusions: ''It will be revealed that Locke is actually Jack's real dad! ('Jack! I am your father!') And: Jack and Kate are actually brother and sister!!! ('Your sister she is!').''
As long as Walt uses ''Wizard!'' as a synonym for ''Cool!'', and as long as Lost ultimately ends with Locke and Mr. Eko on a lava planet beating each other senseless in a crutches-versus-stick sword fight, we're down with this idea.
On a more serious note, Vincent Zimmer wrote to say he believes that Gary Troup, the author of the new Lost tie-in book, Bad Twin, is the real Jedi master of the island: ''What if Gary was the sole survivor of that flight? And, as his mind deteriorates due to brain damage from the crash, his fertile imagination combines his memories of the faces he glimpsed on the plane with ideas he has been formulating for years to weave an elaborate tapestry of backstory and island adventure that we the viewer now know as the TV series Lost. In other words, the entire tale resides within the mind of a stranded novelist, sitting on an uncharted beach, awaiting a rescue that may or may not ever come. Do you think J.J. Abrams is frustrated that I just revealed his endgame?''
Vincent, J.J. is so terrified by your big Lost brain, he's sending Tom Cruise over to your house right now to jump on your couch and then your head.
DOC JENSEN'S LOST DIARY, CHAPTER SIX
When we last left our intrepid reporter, he had just seen Mr. Friendly throw a bola at Michael. Now, he's en route to the beach. The date is April 19. The weather is sticky. And things are about to get all Desmond-yâ€¦.
1:45 p.m. In the shuttle on the way to the beach, bumping along the backroads of the jungle, I look out the window and then I do one of those cartoon double-takes. Could it beâ€¦? No, it can't beâ€¦ wait, yes, I think it is! Decked in a Dharma Initiative jumpsuit, walking along the side of the road, brown locks bobbing at the shoulders, it'sâ€¦ a guy who looks a lot like a certain former Station Three button pusher, but really isn't Desmond, at all. Stunt double? My chaperone shrugs; she knows nothing. Suddenly, I recall a piece of intelligence I picked up prior to my arrival. The season finale is supposed to feature an appearance by Desmond's allegedly deceased hatchmate. Might this scruffy, space-suited fellow be the curiously named Kelvin? (Kelvin, by the way, also happens to be the name of the I-see-dead-people astronaut/psychologist in Solaris, often cited by Lost theorists as a possible Lost text.)
[EDITOR'S NOTE: It looks like Doc Jensen's initial guess that the man in question was Desmond's stunt double is more accurate. According to ABC programming info, a character named Kelvin Inman will be played in the season finale by Clancy Brown who, if you'll recall, was seen earlier this season playing that shadowy CIA operative who coerced Sayid into becoming a torturer. Hmmmmâ€¦.]
2:00 p.m. It's, like, 88 degrees outside or something, but I have goosebumps nonetheless. Here I am, Lost fanboy Doc Jensen, standing the middle of the castaways' fabled beach encampment.
Behind me is Sawyer's tent, which at the moment has been cleared of its stash of guns, booze, and heroin-stuffed Virgin Mary statues to make room for various pieces of film equipment. In front of me, the camera crew has taken position in front of Claire's shelter. The actress is fiddling with her makeup and a living, breathing, flesh-and-blood baby is being placed in the rocking crib built for Claire by John Locke.While everyone waits for Emilie de Ravin to finish tending to her face, I notice a sunburned castaway sprawled in the sand. A red leather satchel with the words ''Abandon Ship Emergency Bag'' rests next to him, and he's holding a large bottle of Dharma-brand booze. I suddenly realize I'm looking at Desmond himself, Henry Ian Cusick.
As director Jack Bender calls ''Action!'', I lean forward on the little crate I've been provided for a seat to listen to the dialogue between Desmond and Claire, but I can barely hear a word of it over the roar of the ocean waves behind me. Probably a good thing, as I'm quickly cottoning to the likelihood that major spoilers are being revealed. Claire is holding a gun-like syringe, similar to the one we once saw Desmond use in the season premiere to inject green serum from the vials bearing The Numbers. (''Make your own kind of musicâ€¦.'' I wonder if we'll hear that tune again in the season finale?)
From the way in which Claire is nervously considering the gun, I'm getting the sense that Claire is wondering if she should inject baby Aaron. The inebriated Desmond seems to sense the same thing, and then saysâ€¦ something. Something sick. Something twisted. Something that's completely in line with recent revelations about The Dharma Initiative. But I could be wrong, because, again, I can barely hear anything. So who knows? They could be actually talking about their predictions for who will win American Idol. I swear I heard one of them say something about a ''fever.'' Or was that ''McPheever''? Damn waves!
2:30-4:30 p.m. Again, I say: Damn waves! The din is such that staying on the beach is pointless I have no idea what's going on so after checking out the turtles playing in the surf, I head back to base camp to conduct interviews with Daniel Dae Kim and Harold Perrineau. (Naveen Andrews politely asks if we could chat later. ''I'm feeling a bit knackered at the moment,'' he says.)
Afterward, my chaperone and I get in the car to go find ourselves some lunch but it seems we can't escape the land of the Lost. The road out of the jungle is blocked by one of the film crews shooting a scene with Desmond. He's running through the jungle and weaving around trees with a rifle slung over his shoulder. (Actually, he's running along the side of a tree-lined road; the camera angle only makes it look like he's in the middle of the jungle.) At one point, he cuts a little too sharply and loses his footing and falls to the ground, but then quickly regains his feet and continues sprinting. Why, and to where, I can only speculate, although I get a good idea when I see...
...oh my God, it's---
[EDITOR'S NOTE: And here Doc Jensen's diary abruptly ends. Guess all of us will have to tune in tonight to see what Desmond saw. As for Doc Jensen, we can only hope our expert will return to work by Friday to post his final theory of the season, answer some burning questions, and reveal the winners of his Flatland contest. Come back to us, Doc Jensen. And don't forget to bring your receipts. Unless, of course, you have, like, A LOT of receipts. If that's the case, by all means, stay away. Stay faaaaaaaar away.]