'Dancing With the Stars' recap: Period Pieces

The couple's ''futuristic paso doble'' was indulgent, poorly lit, and...easily my favorite dance of the season. I'm in awe of Derek for his use of ''Living on Video,'' the first and only hit by Canadian electropop duo Trans-X. Derek kind of looks like the singer, Pascal Languirand (inspiration, perhaps), and Joanna definitely dances better than any female in this song's video. Go ahead and tell me the producers pick the music, but we all know only Derek could conceive of/would tolerate a ''futuristic paso doble'' and that his silver-studded brain has in fact been brewing it for months. You do not leave these sorts of things to producer discretion and red velvet cake. I thought the whole presentation was brilliant, particularly the makeup. I also love that Joanna wears socks with her dance heels during rehearsals.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Intensité: 51/60 Maybe the reason Louis has to be so intense is that Kelly cannot focus for more than five minutes without succumbing to the allure of the contents of her Distraction Box. Kelly would not stop answering calls from her mom or using her laptop to shop for headbands and read EW.com, so Louis had to intervene. And it worked! As soon as her adorable dogs were released into the wilds of the dance studio hallway, Kelly concentrated on her foxtrot choreography. It's not that hard, if you just turn the key. I loved the costumes for Kelly's ballroom round and how the dance seemed like an endless stream of movement with no breaks. Carrie Ann warned her to show a bit more range in her extensions.

For the dance-through-the-decades round, surprise! ''We got the '60s!'' exclaimed Kelly, in a segment likely filmed long after they'd really gotten the '60s because her nails were already neon green. Conveniently, Kelly's first music video was based on the 1960s, so she knew some moves. The jive wasn't as good as her first dance, and Carrie Ann complained that the couple's prop doll gave her the heebie-jeebies. Yes, the doll motif was a little bit creepy (on purpose, I believe?) but at least Kelly wasn't supposed to be the doll herself. I'm having weird visuals of Marie Osmond as a wind-up doll sitting on Bruno's lap and him saying ''Grrrrrrroovy, baby! Come back to Daddy!'' and can't really handle it so I'm ending this here. Wait, side note: I enjoyed how the Lisa Loeb-esque fan of Aaron Carter's refused to stand up after Kelly's jive even though everyone else seemed pretty into it. Also: the Sequin Monster seated in the audience behind Tom could have Hidden Gem potential because the sparkly black material of her outfit matched Kelly's dress.

Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff: 50/60 The other contestant to boldly exhibit daddy issues with a judge, Aaron Carter, danced a foxtrot with a combination of excitement, joy, and bewilderment that reminded DANCMSTR of his son in a toy shop. Aaron's sob story of the week, about how he'd never won anything, was a little far-fetched — maybe it's what drove Karina to illness. It was fun when he groped her face and insisted ''It's not okay that you're running a fever right now'' and she didn't even have the energy to speak but her eyes were screaming ''Uh, it's not okay that you're manhandling my face!'' To get back at Aaron, Karina wore crazy balloon pants that distracted me from Aaron's foxtrot dancing nearly the whole time. ''Oh, wow, they are pants...but why are they pants, why?'' If only I'd won any Interpreting Life's Great Questions contests in my days, I'd know the answer. Gah, I'm such a loser! I deserve to win a reality TV show.

NEXT: Donny and Kym's laugh-out-loud performance