'The Bachelor' recap: The Tatas Come Out to Play

Channy's epic seduction fail is one of the evening's few examples of lunacy from the ''ladies.'' The producers make a few attempts to highlight ''crazy'' behavior among the bachelorettes (Ashley dons a skimpy, '60s-era stewardess outfit to lure Jake outside for one-on-one time — and then proceeds to tell him how very smart she is), and they even stage a blondes vs. brunettes game of ball gown touch football in an effort to make something interesting happen. The only bachelorette who exhibits Bonafide Psycho Potential so far is Michelle. Harrison's appearance with the first impression rose sends her on an instant shame spiral: ''It will kill me if I don't get that first-impression rose.'' [Pause. Eerily empty smile.] ''I deserve Jake.'' Things only get worse as the hours pass and Jake continues to bypass Michelle and engage in ''touchy-feely'' time with all the other women in the house. That's when the Tears of Irrational Rage begin to flow. What a perfect time to pull Jake aside for a chat, right? ''I am here to fall in love with you,'' Michelle tells the Bachelor, boring into his skull with her Laser Gaze of Intense Yearning. ''To be your co-pilot in the end.'' (Hey, it's no ''My eggs are rotting!'' but it's a start.)

Meanwhile, a walking disco ball and a nervous-looking guy in a suit arrive and proceed to ''help'' Jake find a suitable life partner by quizzing the ''ladies'' with such pertinent questions as, ''Do you like to dance?'' and ''What kind of animal would you be in the bedroom?'' (Could Ed look any more uncomfortable during this exercise? He clearly would rather be getting waterboarded at Gitmo than be back in that mansion.) Even with this affront to his dignity — after all, nothing is more empowering than having the woman who dumped you after one uncomfortable date screen new women for you — Jake remains polite to a fault. (He doesn't even punch Harrison when the host refers to Jillian and Ed as his ''old friends.'')

Ultimately, Tenley gets the first-impression rose, and really, that's no surprise, given that she seems about as earnest and surfacey as the Bachelor himself. Take her ''10 Things About Tenley'' poem, which could have just as easily been called ''10 Phrases Hallmark Rejected For Being Too Generic.'' (See: ''I have a big heart, and a lot of love to give,'' ''I'm a woman with values,'' and ''I check my pride at the door.'') Oh, and there's also the fact that she all but forced him to kiss her — and then immediately, tearfully regretted it. Can we blame Jake for falling for such an expertly executed example of a Madonna-whore complex?

Finally, it's time to separate the wheat from the chaff. Jake tells the ''ladies'' that it's ''nothing personal'' if they don't get a rose (even though it is the very definition of personal). And guess what, kids? Within 20 seconds he proves that his mom is right — he does have a broken picker! First to get a rose: Ella the psychic single (and single-minded) mom! (By the way, great advice, Ed and Jillian!) The laundry list of horrors includes Vienna, Rozzzlyn, Gia, Kathryn and her magenta dress-up closet tutu, and even Michelle the bunny boiler! Making everything worse, poor Smart Elizabeth has to suffer as Jake calls her name and then adds, after a longer-than-necessary pause, ''...from Nebraska.'' The only smart move he made was sending Channy and her phone-sex talk home.

Well, the good news is we're definitely guaranteed drama given this pack of rabid ring-seekers — and of course we were treated to an all-too-brief hint of next week's off-camera scandal, when it's revealed that one of the ''ladies'' is ''having a sexual affair'' with one of the producers. (Second favorite moment of the tease: Jake's totally coached confessional ''meltdown.'') Thank God for next week, because after this mostly tame episode, we really need to ratchet the crazy up to 11! For more on Producergate, check out Chris Harrison's exclusive behind-the-scenes blog over on PopWatch — this week, he also reveals his favorite ''bless her heart'' moments from the season premiere. And for more kookiness from interchangeable blondes, check out the deleted scene below, in which Alexa (I think?) puts Jake to the ''sniff test.'' Okay, rose lovers, strap your oxygen mask on first before assisting the person next to you, and let's talk Bachelor!