'The Bachelor' recap: Jake Grows a Pair

At the cocktail party, Jake is feeling ''serious'' because while he only has to send two women home (thanks, Michelle!), he doesn't want to let anyone go. Don't worry, Jake — Elizabeth is about to make it easier for you. While she's feeling inexplicably righteous about her absurd chastity demand (''He needs to be a man and hold true to his convictions and not try to kiss me!''), she spends her one-on-one time trying to get him all hot and bothered, shooting him sultry looks and asking if he's good at back rubs. Jake is clearly tiring of the Queen of Mixed Signals. ''I feel like you play little games with me,'' he tells her. ''Don't tease me.... I felt like we were sitting on that bench and you were teasing me.''

Elizabeth is shocked — shocked! — to hear Jake label her with the scarlet T. Before she can dig herself out of this whore hole of her own making, Vienna — who we first see standing in the doorway, as though she's waiting for a producer to cue her when it's time to enter the room — arrives and cuts the awkward one-on-one short. Oh man, does this piss the ''ladies'' off! Queen of Bitch Mountain (not to be confused with Queen of Mixed Signals) goes so far as to corner Vienna in the hallway: ''If you don't care that you hurt people tonight, then that's...You may not understand, but you did.'' Meanwhile, Elizabeth is holding some poor camera guy hostage, ranting endlessly about how she's been so very, very wronged. ''The only thing I've been guilty of is being flirtatious!'' she seethes. ''I am not just vanilla! I am all different colors of the rainbow.'' (Pssst, Elizabeth, vanilla is a flavor, not a...oh, never mind.) ''I'm not here because I'm desperate for a man. I can get a date any day of the week. I'm here to find love. And I don't understand why he's pressuring me to kiss him.'' The only thing she says that makes sense is this: ''By the way, I'm still choosing him.'' (This might be the first time in Bachelor history that one of the ''ladies'' has managed to have this epiphany.) Eventually she pulls Jake aside again to tell him she's ''very upset'' about how their conversation ended — and bless his heart, he doesn't apologize or back down. ''I think that Elizabeth is scared,'' he tells the camera later, ''and felt like if she controlled the situation it would be less painful.''

Say it with me now: Consider your bluff called, bitch!

When it comes time for Jake to put an end to his ''rough week,'' he gives a little speech about how ''horrible'' the decision was for him, and then gets down to business. Once again, Jessie and Kathryn — who must be incredibly boring because they never get any screen time — both manage to get roses, as do dateless Gia and divorcee Tenley. That means Valishia gets the boot, and even though I don't think we've seen her speak four words to Jake, her depressing exit interview — ''I'm used to things not going my way, and that's something I've learned to live with'' — made me feel pretty bad for her. Elizabeth? Not so much. Don't let the door hit your sweet ass on the way out, babe! Seeing her go was almost as exciting as the promos for next week's road-trip-gone-awry episode — has a Bachelor ever asked if he had to give out all the roses? Can. Not. Wait.

What do you think of the new and improved Jake? Hit the comments board now! And as always, be sure to check out Chris Harrison's exclusive blog on PopWatch — especially if you want to know how long it really took Jake and Vienna to jump off that bridge. If you're still hungry for more craziness, click on the deleted scene below from tonight's episode, in which Tenley — in an effort to soften Jake up before telling him about her divorce — plays a completely bats--- practical joke on the poor guy. Okay, folks, you know what time it is: Time to talk Bachelor!