How you feel about Valentine's Day may depend on how you feel when someone really, really cute and someone you're really, really fond of gives you a nasty box of cheap chocolate on Valentine's Day, picked up at the corner Rite Aid and delivered with the price tag still attached. Do you think, ''Awww, he/she's so dreamy, and must have been so busy anyway, and it's enough that he/she thought of little insignificant me, I'm just happy to see his/her beautiful face!''? Or do you think, ''What is this crap? It tastes like cardboard and the idiot spelled 'yours truley' wrong on the card. I'm outta here!''
If you're with the first group, you're in luck: Valentine's Day assembles a bouquet of blooming celebrity movie stars including Julia Roberts, Ashton Kutcher, Jessica Alba, Taylor Swift, Taylor Lautner, and Jamie Foxx, shuffles them in skits about love gone right and wrong, and hopes you won't notice that every skit is lame, every line of dialogue is stale, every joke falls flat, and every performance has been phoned in between text messages to agents blinking, ''SOS!'' Durable shlockmaster director Garry Marshall (Pretty Woman, Runaway Bride) and the industrial team that welded the interlocking story pieces into a screenplay that could be translated into Na'Vi without losing nuance have done the impossible: They've made attractive stars boring, and reduced love relationships to the weight of a box of Altoids. (Word is, there are already studio plans to make a variation of this big-screen entertainment product on a theme of New Year's Eve. Think of the calendar possibilities.)
If you're with the second group, those of us who like romance in our romance movies, then follow me while we search for the emergency exits together. There's a point in the movie where Anne Hathaway, as an otherwise adorable, personable, eager office temp, tries to hide her student loan-paying job as a phone sex worker from her corn-(and corny) fed Midwestern beau (Topher Grace), but is caught talking naughty to a client in a funny accent. I think that's our chance to flee! F