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The Scope Trials

On ''Survivor,'' two go in, one comes out: Ulong not only gets no mouthwash but has to attend the series' first two-person tribal council

Bobby Jon Drinkard, Survivor: Palau | WANNA BITE A DUCK? Bobby Jon choked on the unborn ducklings
Image credit: Bobby Jon Drinkard: Monty Brinton/CBS
WANNA BITE A DUCK? Bobby Jon choked on the unborn ducklings

''Survivor'': Two go in, one comes out

Oh, hey — how's it going? Sorry I filed this week's column a little late, but I had to run out to the store to go buy a few gallons of mouthwash. I don't quite know what inspired me. Could it be the garlic pasta sauce I chowed down on at dinner? Could it be a desire to put a little spice back into my suburban love life? Or could it be the fact that I just sat through an hour-long Scope advertisement masked as a popular reality show? Hell, I've never seen people so excited to be spitting out orange fluid in my entire life! I just had to get in on it!

Speaking of getting spit out, let's say goodbye to Bobby Jon. Goodbye, Bobby Jon! As I wrote in the magazine, I make it my habit to root for anyone with two first names, and especially anyone who beats himself up and blows snot all over the sleeping area. But let's be honest — homey wasn't cutting it in the challenges. I mean, he wasn't as useless as James or Ibrehem, but he certainly blew that one as floating puzzle caller . . . Actually he didn't really excel at anything involving puzzles, as we saw last night. It also would have helped if he hadn't gotten his ass kicked by Tom in every other matchup.

Okay, crap — I guess that means we have to talk about the reward challenge. Truth be told, this was so freakin' disgusting I was hoping to just gloss over it. I mean, I'm sorry, but eating fertilized eggs with 20-day-old partially formed ducklings? To quote the great Moon Zappa, gag me with a spoon. (And I thought I might indeed gag watching B.J. stuff his cheeks to maximum capacity.) At least Tom was around to provide a little comic relief along the way. I seriously think ''Watch the beak'' may be the funniest three words I've ever heard in any Survivor episode. But wait, he wasn't done! He then proceeded to tell us how he got ''a chirp out of that one'' and how he could feel the feet scratch his throat on the way down. Move over Carrot Top — there's a new king of the funny. (Not that you ever were the king of the funny, but if you could move over anyway, that would be just swell.)

I'm gonna stop talking about the partially formed ducklings now before I barf. (But hey, if I do, at least I have all that Scope on hand!) But hold the phone, what's this? A little drama over at Koror! It appears Jenn really, really wanted a shower and Tom wouldn't let her have one. It all seemed pretty silly, but I enjoyed it for the mere fact that it is the first time all season we heard more than three words in a row from Jenn. I also enjoyed hearing Coby call Tom a ''sourpuss.'' Not that I agree with it, but it's just not a word you hear thrown about enough these days.

But if Coby talked the talk, he walked the walk as well, helping Koror win again in the immunity challenge. And that meant that Ulong would go down to just one member. The ensuing individual fire-building immunity challenge was relatively anticlimactic: Basically, Stephenie blew on hers and built it up and B.J. just sat there and watched. Personally, I would have preferred some sort of endurance test, but they are no doubt saving that one for later on. You had to love the Probst ad lib at the end, though: ''Bobby Jon, the tribe definitely did not speak tonight. Nonetheless, it's time for you to go.''

Unfortunately, I didn't have much time to savor it because of my confusion after the commercial break when B.J. — in his parting comments — informed us that Stephenie ''is almost invincible.'' Excuse me? Doesn't invincible mean you, like, can't be beat? Not quite sure that's the way things have been going so far. Look, Stephenie has definitely been the best of the Ulong bunch, but that reminds me of Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles where he describes himself as the ''king of the dips---s.'' I mean, that honor only gets you so much respect.

If she can somehow crack the Koror crowd (I'm not necessarily buying that whole Tom-Ian-Katie-Steph alliance thing), then respect will be due. But right now I'm keeping my eye on Coby. I get the sense he's just itching to shake things up. Sourpusses, beware!

What do you think? Does Stephenie stand a chance? Is Tom a sourpuss? And where do the ducklings rank in the history of disgusting Survivor food challenges?

Originally posted Apr 08, 2005