''Survivor''

Bare Necessities

The women are hot, the men, not so much -- The men of Tambaqui lose another immunity challenge, but they're not immune to the charms of the women in Jabubu, says Dalton Ross

Daniel Lue, Survivor | HELL LUE, GOODBYE Daniel couldn't convince the tribe to vote off Roger
Image credit: Daniel Lue: Monty Brinton/CBS
HELL LUE, GOODBYE Daniel couldn't convince the tribe to vote off Roger

The women are hot, the men, not so much

Well, I'm supposed to write up my column for this week's episode of ''Survivor,'' but there's a bit of a problem. It seems my digital cable is on the fritz or something, because when I sat down to watch individuals competing to survive the wrath of Mother Nature, I think my channels got scrambled and what should have been CBS instead was Skinemax. Instead of being treated to contestants building an SOS sign or buying cold cheeseburgers at a food auction, I saw three half-nude women bathing in a river and rubbing soap on their naked breasts!

It turns out one of them, Heidi (the one with the boob job -- another Cinemax staple), could actually talk. She informed me that, ''We're younger, we're cuter, we've got better bodies, and for some reason that's a huge problem with the older people.'' And I heard this, and I thought to myself, hey, that's not very fair. What right do ''older people'' have to pass judgment on these obviously intelligent and well-rounded individuals, especially when said individuals are younger, cuter, AND have better bodies? You know what I say? FORGET YOU, OLD PEOPLE!!! (Wait, am I an old person? What kind of cut-off age are we talking about here? I mean, I don't listen to Nelly. Is that a problem?)

This was just one of the things that confused me about this latest Amazon escapade. When Mark Burnett wasn't treating us to soft porn (and what a treat it was), he wasted an entire reward challenge and postreward challenge segment (complete with cheesy inset fantasy photos) on one huge flirt session. Okay, the guys think the girls are hot. How many times and in how many ways do they need to say it? (And I gotta tell you, I'm THIS close to going out and buying a Magic 8-Ball… just to smash it.)

Speaking of that reward challenge, it was a mental one, so of course the men lost. You knew they were done for as soon as Daniel asked Heidi for conditioner just moments after Rob had already asked her. They were pretty embarrassing. He's just lucky Heidi didn't tell him to go take a hike because she's younger, cuter, and has a better body.

Of course, after the men also lost the immunity challenge, Daniel tried to convince people to vote off the power-hungry homophobe (Roger) instead of the lazy dimwit, but alas to no avail. He was sent packing, but he did take home a wonderful parting gift… MALARIA! But who knows, maybe being saddled by a disease is preferable to hanging out with that sad sack of losers over at Tambaqui.

The men have now lost four out of five challenges, and for a bunch that sleeps under a ''Believe in Yourself!'' banner, that's pretty pathetic. If they want to stick around so they can start hitting on hot chicks at the merge, they better start getting their act together. After all, they're not getting any younger… or cuter.

Originally posted Feb 28, 2003