''Survivor''

Jeanne Splitting

The men have a new breast friend -- As pneumatic gym teacher Heidi succumbs to the mysterious charms of Dave and votes against a fellow woman, says Dalton Ross

Jeanne Hebert, Survivor: The Amazon | BLUE JEANNE The marketing director was voted off by an alliance of men and women
Image credit: Jeanne Hebert: Monty Brinton
BLUE JEANNE The marketing director was voted off by an alliance of men and women

The men have a new breast friend

Last week, I started off my ''Survivor'' column by taking about what idiots the women were. (That's what you get for voting off your strongest player instead of a person who can barely walk.) So, now I have a problem. With Heidi continuing to prove that she just may be the dumbest breast-enhanced broad on the planet (and trust me, that's saying something), I've been sort of backed into a corner.

I obviously can't ignore her idiocy in ditching her fellow female tribemates to switch sides and vote with the men, but to go off on her would make me seem not only redundant, but, even worse, like a sexist, woman-hating pig. But you know what? That's just a risk I'm going to have to take, because that woman is a big boob in more ways than two. LADY, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!?

When Dave came to her basically promising her fourth place if she sided with the men and voted out Jeanne, you figured there was no way even a bimbo like Heidi would fall for such a lame proposition.

Maybe she was just intimidated by the fact that he's a rocket scientist and she teaches gym. Maybe she was too perplexed in trying to figure out how she went from so hot to so heinous looking in only 15 days. Or maybe she was just frustrated that she couldn't figure out how to spell "Jeanne" (nice try with "Gene," by the way). Whatever the reason, she took the bait, and now she and Christy are toast because of it.

But I'm really being unfair to poor Heidi. She shouldn't shoulder all the stupidity blame. After all, what about her partner in shame, Jenna. I mean, how dumb do you have to be to spill all your secrets to a member of the opposite tribe, as she did to Dave at their little private powwow? (What is it with this guy? Does he have Jedi mind powers, or something? When the cameras shut off he must look ladies in the eyes, wave his hand in front of their faces, and say, ''You want to do something really stupid that will cripple your sex's chances of winning. And while you're at it, take off your top.'')

That whole staged date was clearly geared towards forcing some hot Amazon action, as the two were provided with robes, a see-through shower, and -- wouldn't you know it? -- just one bed. And while nothing much happened (unless Dave turned to Obi-Wan again after lights-out), we did hear him tell Jenna the following: ''You got a sexy ass, so we talk about your ass.'' Once again, how this guy controls women at his fingertips is beyond me.

And then there was Shawna, who couldn't summon the strength to stand... until a hot triathlete showed up! She LITERALLY went from puking to perky at the drop of a buff. Once again, NOT exactly a posterwoman for the feminist movement. But count all three of these nitwits as posterwomen for great reality TV. I mean, ''Frasier'' is a good enough show and all, but it doesn't make me scream at my TV like these losers do. And there was plenty of screaming to go around this week.

As far as potential WINNERS go, you have to call Dave the early front-runner. (And even if he DOES get voted off, he'd probably find a way to convince Probst to let him stay.) From the Jaburu tribe, Alex would seem to be the favorite, although that goofball Rob may be able to charm the pants off a few of the women. (Well, maybe not the actual pants themselves.)

Any hope of a woman coming out on top (probably not the best choice of words after talking about their pants being charmed off) now lies with the Jaburu women getting rid of a guy first and thereby getting a numbers advantage. It could happen... as long as they stay away from talking to that Dave cat.

Originally posted Mar 14, 2003