''Survivor''

A Whole Different Ball Game

Rupert makes winners out of Morgan. And remind us again who Michelle was? asks Dalton Ross

Michelle Tesauro, Survivor: Pearl Islands | MICHELLE, WE HARDLY KNEW YE... Seriously -- does anyone remember seeing her before last week?
Image credit: Michelle Tesauro: Monty Brinton
MICHELLE, WE HARDLY KNEW YE... Seriously -- does anyone remember seeing her before last week?

Rupert makes winners out of Morgan

They were the underdogs. Down by a seemingly out of reach margin. But then, a funny thing happened. They started scratching and clawing their way to victories, and next thing you know, THEY were right back in it! Who, the Morgan tribe? Of course not, I'm talking about the Boston Red Sox!!! And why shouldn't I talk about them now. After all, I'm the only moron in America that probably declined to watch a historic Game 7 of the American League Championship Series between two future hall of famers in favor of a reality show in which people consume beverages called ''Jeff's Special.'' (And I live in the New York area, to boot!)

But enough about the jocks. (Although how dumb was that Boston manager for leaving Pedro in the game that long?) Let's get to the jerks instead. (Yes, that would be you ''Johnny Fairplay.''') I was a little leery of this latest ''Survivor'' episode, what with Mark Burnett ending the previous episode with that weak ''go ahead and take Rupert for a few days to even things out'' maneuver. (Notice how Jeff Probst didn't read that part out until AFTER Morgan had won the immunity challenge. Ten bucks if Drake had won it would have said the winner had to SURRENDER a tribe member for a few days. Yet I digress… as always.)

But it was kinda fun to catch all those priceless shots of Rupert staring with disdain at the bumbling, stumbling Morganites. And what a difference a Rupert makes. He did practically EVERYTHING but fetch that goofy tribal idol in the reward challenge. (By the way, smart move on his part to go immediately back to Drake and forgo the shower. We've seen before how dangerous it can be to stay too long away from your fellow scheming contestants.)

And suddenly, Morgan finds themselves on a little winning streak. Although that streak probably would've been cut short had the now ousted Michelle not been a COMPLETE IDIOT!!! The Drake strategy (and a damn good one, I might add) was for her to act like the squeamish one so she would get picked in case of a tie-breaker, but then this mystery woman (honestly, did you even know who she was before last week?) went and chug-a-lugged her nasty cocktail and even threw a confident belch into the mix for exclamation.

Did I mention she's an idiot yet? I wasn't sure if I did because to be frank I was sorta in a daze during this entire contest because I was so weirded out by watching Probst congratulate Christa for downing her beverage in the following manner: ''Nicely done, you freak.'' WHAT THE HELL?!?

Now, I'm all for Probst laying a little verbal smackdown on certain contestants (like when he went out of his way moments earlier to point out to Jon that he had no chance whatsoever with a woman like Darrah), but this bordered on the bizarre. What, is he auditioning for ''The Jerky Boys 2''?

Maybe he just figured no one was watching anyway because of the Yankees-Red Sox game so he could just let it fly. Sorta like the way I figure no one is reading this column due to the same circumstances, which is why I will now treat you to some Vanilla Ice lyrics from his ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'' inspired gem, ''Ninja Rap.'' ''YO! It's the green machine/Gonna rock the town without bein' seen/Have you ever seen a turtle Get Down?/Slammin' Jammin' to the new swing sound.''

Okay, that's enough of that. But if the Drake tribe wants to once again be cool as ice, they need to win what will probably be the last team challenge before the merge. If there even is a merge. You never know with Mark Burnett. But I do know this. He's hitting a home run with characters like Rupert, Sandra, and that bonehead Jon. But then again, what do I know about home runs? Judging by my viewing choices this week, not a whole lot.

Originally posted Oct 17, 2003
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