''Survivor''

Not-so-Close Shave

Colby, the aspiring actor, acted like he was OK. While Rob dominates the game and Ethan messes up every challenge, says Dalton Ross

Colby Donaldson, Survivor: All-Stars | CAREER OPPORTUNITIES Now Colby can concentrate on his acting
Image credit: Survivor All-Star: Monty Brinton/CBS
CAREER OPPORTUNITIES Now Colby can concentrate on his acting

Colby, the aspiring actor, acted like he was OK

It's all in how you pack, people. As cocky as he often looked on camera, Colby Donaldson knew there was little-to-no chance he would win this game, and he packed his suitcase accordingly. When he went on the Australian Outback, he brought hardly any clothes, or books, or anything (for when they sequester you after being voted out). He was that confident that he would make it to the end. But when I interviewed Colby in the Pearl Islands just before ''All-Stars,'' he told me that he had brought TONS of stuff, basically in anticipation of not lasting that long. He was way too big a threat, and he knew it.

What was the most interesting thing about the move to oust Colby? Was it the fact that they decided to keep Jerri around? Of course not, we all know that she is ''an uplifting member who is generally in a good mood and keeping spirits high.'' I think that's obvious to everyone. Was it that they basically got rid of their biggest physical asset before the merge when winning the next challenge and evening out the numbers is CRUCIAL?

No, because there is a time-honored tradition of ''Survivor'' contestants jumping the gun in such situations. No, to me what was of particular note was how Lex chose not to inform Ethan of his little coup. These guys were best buddies in Africa and have remained very close since. The fact Sexy Lexy didn't let his emotional ties get in the way of his carefully (if not necessarily well-) thought out strategy tells me this: Watch out for Lex.

Now, I could go on all day about the ramifications of this decision to oust Colby, and believe me I will at work over the next week (pity the EW staffers within a 50-foot radius of my office), but I have to admit I got a bit distracted about halfway through this episode. It happened during a commercial break actually. I pay minimal attention to ads, so at first I thought my eyes were deceiving me, but was that right? Was Sue Hawk crowned last week's ''Tylenol Push Through the Pain'' winner?

Look, I actually seemed to be one of the few people to DEFEND Sue last week with her whole meltdown, but last time I checked, quitting did not necessarily equate to ''pushing through the pain.'' Once again, not dissing the woman. She owns a smoothie shop, and I LOVE smoothies. Just saying I'm not sure that's the best example of physical or emotional fortitude.

Truthfully, I think I was already in a daze from watching Ethan blow yet ANOTHER challenge! This dates back a few years now, people. Remember the final challenge in Africa where he bowed out from keeping his hand on a pole after approximately 20 minutes? Excuse me, but isn't he, like, a professional athlete? Ever heard of stamina? Well, this past debacle was nearly as embarrassing. First he broke one of his team's paddles, and then lost a ''huge lead'' (Probst's words, not mine) to his arch nemesis Boston Rob in the turf portion of this surf & turf affair.

But it's hard to feel too sorry for the guy. First of all, he's already won a million bucks. Secondly, half the woman I know want to do him (and half the female ''Survivor'' contestants already have). And thirdly, WHAT THE HELL IS HE STILL DOING IN THIS GAME? Weren't the previous winners supposed to all be the first ones to go? And hasn't he single-handedly screwed up almost every single challenge he's been in. This guy is like Mr. Magoo. He keeps courting danger at every turn, practically begging people to kill him, yet his torch remains unsnuffed.

One guy who continues to dominate the action is Boston Rob. He once again won the challenge for his team, and then gave us the funniest display of golfing technique since ''Caddyshack.'' I don't know what was better, watching homeboy wipe out on his first swing, or then accidentally toss his club into the ocean. At least I THINK it was accidentally. With that clown, you never really know.

But I do know this: Colby now has plenty of time to film a new slew of Shick Quatro ads. The Quatro still amazes me. Who needs freakin' 4 blades to shave? As John Henson so eloquently put it, ''Who am I, the Wolfman?!?'' Seriously, what's up with that? I'd appreciate hearing back from any Quatro users on the legitimacy of this product. As you can tell, I'm mildly obsessed. Another thing confusing me is why Colby morphed into Tony Robbins on his farewell speech, talking about how ''You gotta be okay with what you've done.'' (Does this apply to hawking 4-bladed razors?) Anyway, sorry to see you go, my man. We'd say Jerri's victory in staying over you was a close shave, but, well… you know.

Originally posted Mar 12, 2004
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