''Survivor''

Surprise Party

What do you think the final twist will be? A payout of 2 million bucks, that's what Dalton Ross thinks, plus, he cannot believe Boston Rob hosed another one

Tom Buchanan, Survivor: All-Stars | TOM FOOL You got played, sucka! And you didn't even see it coming
Image credit: Survivor All-Star: Monty Brinton/CBS
TOM FOOL You got played, sucka! And you didn't even see it coming

Boston Rob hosed another one!

WHOOOOOAAAAA, NELLIE! Did you check out Big Tom with his Big Stare Down at Boston Rob after getting das boot from ''All-Stars''? Yo, B.T., way to finally put your game face on… WHEN YOU'RE NO LONGER EVEN IN THE GAME!!! I guess it was supposed to be threatening, but I think the contestants were just relieved that he wasn't talking so they didn't have to try to figure out what the hell he was saying.

Ah, Tom. Jeff Probst told me last week how ''He's not this dumb farmer that he pretends to be,'' which just goes to show that Jeff Probst is a lying bastard! Did you see the large-and-not-so-in-charge fella get completely played by Boston Rob not once but TWICE in this episode: first when the beantown boy manufactured the ruckus between Tom and Rupert and then again when he told the farmer that it was go time to vote out Jenna (or ''Genna'' according to Big Tom's parchment). Dude, you got SO played.

And Boston Rob once again showed why he completely deserves to win this game. (Not that he will. As you'll see in this week's issue of EW, I predict Amber as victor, mainly for the fact that I don't think the jury can bring themselves to vote for the person who so completely dominated them.) Rob once again both outwitted everyone and dominated the challenges, winning them both.

Speaking of which… WHO WANTS A CHEVY?!? They're passing 'em out like hotcakes in Panama these days. First Rob wins a truck at the reward challenge, and he, Probst, and Amber take off for movie night. (By the way, how sweet was it that Probst called shotgun and made Amber sit in the back seat? LOVED that.) And then they get to the ''drive-in'' and for no apparent reason, they give Amber a car to boot! How symbolic this was in terms of the entire season: Amber winning a new car for doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

I also wonder what would've happened had Amber won the challenge and brought Rob along. Could you really see her in a big-ass pickup truck and Mr. Machismo cruising around Boston in a Malibu Max? All his boys would have beaten the crap out of him the first time they heard that dainty little horn.

So now we have our final four. And what do we have to look forward to in the finale? (I mean, besides the always pulse-racing salute to fallen tribemates that always puts half of America to bed.) Well, we should once again get an incredible collection of facial expressions from sexy Lexy, who never met a comment he didn't want to roll his eyes at.

And now we're being promised a huge shock that we won't see coming!!!! Well, let's try anyway. My first guess is what I guessed at the start of the season, that the cash prize will actually end up being 2 million dollars instead of 1. Mark Burnett insists it's not true, but like his boy Probst, he's been known to be a lying bastard too, so why should we believe him?

My only other guess is that they could be bringing back ALL of the contestants to vote for the winner (well, maybe all except Jenna M. and Sue). When I visited the Tribal Council set right as the game kicked of, I made a point of trying to count the number of seats in the jury area for just such an occurrence. There wasn't enough room for 16 people, but that doesn't mean that they couldn't add a few more pieces of driftwood for people to chill on for the final T.C.

Now, there are tons of reasons why this SHOULD not and WILL not happen, the most obvious one being, how can Tina Wesson, who was voted out after only three days, really claim to know who deserves to win the game? But what an impact that would make to bring all those faces out -- Colby, Ethan, Hatch -- and if there is one thing Mark Burnett likes, it is impact.

Of course, ''impact'' is not the word most closely associated with Amber Brkich, unless you're talking about teenage boys checking out her Stuff magazine cover shot. But in a game in which all the power players were concerned with taking out their biggest competition early on, she has been able to fly completely under the radar. A flaw in the ''All-Star'' formula? Probably. But hey, the one calling all the shots from day one, Rob, is still there. And so is our boy Rupert! So, it all kind of evens out. At least until they hand out that fat million dollar (or more) check.

Originally posted May 07, 2004