TV Article

The Finale Four

Handicapping the ''Survivor'' survivors: Will the winner be ineffectual Scout, motormouth Eliza, player Chris, or banana-hiding Twila?

Julie Berry, Survivor | THE END Bottom-baring Julie got spanked
Image credit: Survivor Vanuatu: Monty Brinton
THE END Bottom-baring Julie got spanked

''Survivor'': Handicapping the finalists

''Is there any way that somebody could be undeserving of winning?'' — Jeff Probst at Tribal Council.

''I don't know.'' — Twila.

''You don't know, or you don't want to say?'' — Jeff Probst.

Oh! Oh! I want to say! Pick me! Pick me, Jeff! I know the answer! It's freakin' Scout! Look, I understand she's getting up there in years and shouldn't be expected to keep pace with people half her age, but man oh man (or, in her case, I guess woman oh woman), she is just completely useless when it comes to any form of competition. Now, of course it was no surprise that she went out first dragging through the mud in that reward challenge, but she couldn't even remember squat of the story about ol' Chief Whatshisname — becoming the only contestant to pull one of those funky black things out of the incorrect basket while in the process proving that older does not necessarily mean wiser.

Now, it would be different if she was some sort of Machiavellian mastermind, pulling the strings and controlling the strategic elements, but that's just not the case either. Ami, Twila, and Chris have been responsible for most of the strategy in the game. If Scout takes home the million, I think there will be a lot of unhappy Survivor fans.

What about the rest of the final four? Well, there's Twila, and as much as I liked her about halfway through the game, I swear on her son's life that she's kind of annoying the crap out of me lately. What was that craziness about burying all the bananas and not telling Eliza where they were? And then continuing to tell everyone off for bringing up her big lie? Do I care she lied? Hell no. I lie on a daily basis. Why, just today I told my son that Santa Claus occasionally has been known to travel by jet pack. Why? I have no idea! But by freaking out any time her fib comes up, Twila fuels the fire. Homegirl needs to mellow like a cello. (In fact, she was so aggro, she almost ran over poor Jeff Probst during the immunity challenge, which, truth be told, would have been pretty hysterical). Still, I kind of want her to make the final two, just to watch her get all indignant and pissy when peppered with questions by angry broads.

Then there's Eliza. EW's own Dan Snierson put forth the argument to me recently that she might just be the most annoying Survivor contestant ever. That's a tough one. I mean, one can not dismiss such notable knuckleheads as Thailand's Robb and Clay. And Jenna Lewis could certainly give Eliza a run for her money in the motormouth department. If Eliza truly wants that honor, she's gonna have to show me something seriously, seriously annoying in the finale. She just might have it in her. But does she have it in her to win? Well, she probably already has Ami, Julie, and Leann's votes locked in should she make it to the final two. And she's shown she can win the challenges to get there, especially with competition as weak as Scout and Twila. But her strategizing is shaky, and her mouth not only can be annoying but can get her into other trouble as well. How hilarious was that watching her blab to Chris about getting rid of Twila, only to have the camera swing over and show . . . Twila! Standing right there. Genius. Yet at the same time, idiotic.

And last we'll get to the guy who should have gone first — Chris. Personally, I think Chris made a huge blunder this episode. All that playing-both-sides nonsense did was get a jury member (Julie) and one more potential jury member (Eliza) mad at him. Why do that? Why lie? What does that possibly do to help you? If he had just told them straight up, ''Sorry, ladies, but I think sticking with this alliance is the best move,'' Eliza would have stayed in line, and Julie (while upset to leave) would've understood and not held it against him. Now, instead, she's been lied to, and you know what they say about a woman scorned. . . . If Chris can make it to the final two, the game is probably his. If he's up against Eliza, then Sarge, Chad, Twila, and Scout would likely go his way. Against Scout or Twila, it could be a bit dicier if Ami puts the other ladies on the jury in some sort of trance and hypnotizes them into awarding it to a woman.

I guess I'm rooting for Chris. He's bucked the odds several times already, has strategized when he needed to, and is the only one left who hasn't gotten wrapped up in any petty arguments about buried bananas. Then again, that red tank top has really started to bug the hell out of me. And he seemed a bit drunk with power this past episode. (Who knows, maybe he and guide Joe got wasted on the free beer and wine while watching Mount Yasur erupt. I know I would have.)

Whatever happens, at least we should be in store for a pretty spicy final Tribal Council. Maybe Jeff Probst will even arrive in L.A. with the votes via jet pack. What? If it's good enough for Santa . . .

What do you think? Who is going to win the million? And who do you want to win?

Originally posted Dec 10, 2004