'Lost': The Island's Story?

I'm sure the day will come when I will stop thinking about Lost. That day has not yet arrived. My mind keeps whirring with ideas, observations, and elaborate theories...not to mention plots for the first six episodes of the Hurley-Ben spin-off! Here's the synopsis for the pilot: While Ben transports Jack's body back to Los Angeles for a proper funeral and burial (special appearances by all the Ajira-escaped castaways!), Hurley must stay behind on the Island after Jack's ghost tasks him with two urgent missions: properly disposing of Fake Locke's enchanted corpse by obliterating it with Charles Widmore's electromagnetic woofers and preparing for the imminent arrival of Number 108 on Jacob's Lighthouse sundial, the mysterious ''Wallace.'' Admit it, kids! You want that story, like, now!

Ah, a geeky blogger can dream. He can also second-guess his hasty judgments about season 6 made in the blurry-eyed, fuzzy-headed crush of all-night finale recapping. In my two-part summary of ''The End,'' I expressed admiration for the show's Sideways world story line and its twist-ending revelation that the Sideways castaways were all dead and that their ''parallel world'' was actually an afterlife limbo. Yet I also stated that Lost may have asked too much from the audience to buy into the season-long mystery of the Sideways world. I stand by that criticism...and yet, the more I think about those Sideways stories, the more I find myself wanting to re-watch them and examine them from the perspective of knowing the truth of the Sideways world. Might I find them more enjoyable? If each castaway created his or her own corner of the Sideways world, then how was each world a reflection — or even extension — of its creator?

For example: Jack. In my recap, I asserted that his son David was a wish-fulfillment fantasy — a manifestation of Jack's yearnings to be a good father and to resolve his own father issues. I think my analysis remains valid. But the more I've thought about it, the more I'm convinced that David was actually Jack himself, or rather his soul, the part of him that needed to be reintegrated into himself in order to become ''enlightened.'' If that interpretation of Jack and David is correct, then what about some of the other characters? What about, say, John Locke's relationship with Helen? What about his relationship with his father? Were the non-castaway people in each castaway's personal quarter of Purgatory extensions of themselves or capsules for their souls — people-shaped Harry Potter-esque horcruxes, if you will? I'm still working through this theory, and plan to do so later this summer when I begin my Sideways Re-watch Project. Look for my report in early August, prior to the release of season 6 on DVD.

And then, after that, I promise you...I'll leave you alone and let it all go for good. Honest.

THE LONG GOODBYE
The first in a series of columns of questionable necessity that will, at the very least, prove that obsessions are very hard to put down.

But first: a video.

And another video.

NEXT: Doc Jensen's Final Super-String Theory!