I'm about ready to call the Center for Disease Control. No, not about Enzo. I'm concerned about the houseguests in general. There has to be something in the water at the Big Brother house that's making everyone act more like they are attending a summer camp instead of competing for $500,000. Think about it: romantic pairings, the nerd outsmarting everyone, lies, crying girls. I'm just waiting for someone to call their parents because they want to go home. Britney, I'm looking at you.
But alas, if water contamination isn't to blame, all that's left to conclude is that this is one seriously skewed group of people. Or romance is largely to blame. Yeah, romance. It's definitely in the air. Unfortunately for everyone, that romance also comes with a heavy dose of stupid.
This week, we learned that HAYDEN and Kristen are in the midst of what they believe to be a secret showmance. This would be true if Andrew weren't in a bed 10 feet away, hearing them swap spit in the middle of the night like a pair of randy youth. HAYDEN even fed her sweet regurgitated lines of affection that he no doubt stored in the depths of his memory back as a teenager. ''I have to try so hard to, like, not think about you.'' Because there's so much else going on up there?
I was admittedly a little disappointed that fly-under-the-radar Kristen decided to emerge from her state of obscurity to shack up with HAYDEN of all people. Her strategy was working so far no one cared about her existence, which is a great thing on a game like this. But she seems head over flip-flops enamored with him. ''There's something there and I can't fight it,'' she said. I guess it's like herpes. Regardless, thanks to this new tryst, Kristen might have literally kissed her coasting days goodbye.
Speaking of goodbye, we said it to Monet this week. [Violins begin to play].
After hearing that Rachel had put Matt on the block, Britney and Monet high-tailed it out of the living room to go cry in the large bed (my favorite room in the house, FYI). Props to Big Brother editors for highlighting their dramatic, sobbing reactions with a cello-heavy piece of music. It was a lovely (sarcastic!) touch, and I appreciated the detail.
Matt walked in on the ''pity party'' to add fuel to the burning fire of Rachel hate, lamenting to the girls ''I know I'm pissed off.'' Of course, edited into this scene was Matt's diary room commentary, where he boasted about his strokes of genius, waving his arms as he spoke like a sweatshirt-clad mad scientist on his way to conquering the world. But shortly after, he almost blew himself up in his own experiment, so to speak. More on that later.
Next: What's the Matt-er?