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Drew's Control

On ''Big Brother,'' the hairless hottie and cuddle buddy Diane play Karen and keep riding Cowboy

Big Brother | HELLO, LARRY Karen will soon be back with her lovey-dovey hubby
Image credit: Karen O'Neil-Ganci: Tony Esparza
HELLO, LARRY Karen will soon be back with her lovey-dovey hubby

''Big Brother'': Diane and Drew fool Karen

Okay, this episode was so completely out of this world genius and wonderful, I don't know where to direct my shock and awe first.

Wait, yes I do -- that rocking ''Julie, step away from the TelePrompTer!'' moment when Ms. Chen lobbed one of her requisite stupid questions at Karen, asking her what she would do with the half million dollars if she won. Not missing a beat, Karen reminded Lady Einstein that she was actually on the block this week so she really shouldn't get ahead of herself with daydreams of riches when she could be out of the house soon (which, of course, is what happened). Julie desperately tried to recover by saying, ''I'm sure you've thought about this question,'' but the damage had already been done. Julie, once again, looked silly on live TV, and I, in return, squealed with delight.

In fact, maybe this is where I should say that I never really gave enough credit to Blondie and her level of play -- not that I thought she'd last beyond last night. I knew Karen was out the minute I tuned into the BB feed late Wednesday and saw a naked Drew lying in bed with Diane while Cowboy read them excerpts from the Bible. Clearly, this was a strong, albeit queer, alliance in the making, and Karen didn't have a chance.

Karen was too much of a grownup for this tomfoolery. I, for one, completely empathized with her when she sobbed in front of Julie, lamenting how juvenile life in the BB house was and how ''I hope I didn't embarrass my family.'' You didn't, hon -- I have a sneaking suspicion you made Larry proud by snapping at Diane for ''backdooring you'' come eviction time. Clearly, Karen assumed Diane would vote for Cowboy and not her.

Oh yes, Diane. I love how she cowers in the kitchen like some wuss after stabbing one of her housemates in the back. Then she has the gall to whine that they may hate her? Sister, you only have yourself to blame! Nik and Karen thought they could trust you! Of course, this leads to another thought (and Big Brother will do that, inspire many a great thought). What makes BB so eminently watchable year after year is how exec producers Arnold Shapiro and Allison Grodner manage to comb this great country of ours and find 13 or 14 gullible souls who think they're about to enter a house that's completely void of distrust or deceit -- only to be shocked when something actually proves otherwise. It never ceases to amaze me when a BB houseguest is surprised to learn that his fellow competitors actually lie, cheat, and steal their way to the top. Have these people ever watched reality TV?

Diane's inability to deal with the fallout of her deceit is, in fact, a great testament to Drew's game playing -- which is why I have a reluctant new level of respect for Razor Rick. Diane has become his clueless pawn while he's quietly maintained his original alliance with the Four Horsemen's Cowboy Mike. There's a very good chance Drew will take Michael to the final. But does he want to? I do believe that if Drew went up against Cowboy, the latter would get the sympathy vote and win the money -- if only because the jury will hope he uses it to both fix his teeth and get an education beyond the ninth grade. But if it's Drew against Diane -- well, it's clear by the reaction of the evictees that Diane was not their favorite bunkmate this summer and they would likely vote for Drew. Decisions, decisions.

And I can't let this column go by without a shout-out to the jury house! Once again, Will behaved like the bee-otch he can be with that "Tweedledee and Tweedledum" comment, but I really didn't care. The twins are so enormously phony, and their two-for-one act has worn thin. Will said it best: ''They are like two psychotic cocker spaniels gnawing at some piece of meat.'' Well, maybe he didn't say it best -- I can't honestly recall ever seeing two cocker spaniels gnaw at meat, much less any dog that was mentally unbalanced. But you catch my drift. Will's rant almost made me forget Marvin's piggish statement about how "when a brother gets locked up, he'll kiss Nakomis.'' (He said this to explain why he planted one on Diane.) Dude, now you got me hatin' you again.

Sadly enough, Nik will likely soon be able to defend herself in the jury house, since it's practically a fait accompli that new Head of Household Drew will put her up opposite Cowboy for eviction and that Diane will betray her. Unless Nakomis provides next week's shock and awe and wins the power of veto to save herself, I'm fearing the worst: Drew, Diane, and Cowboy will be in the final three; the lovebirds will be lying there nude in a bed while Michael reads them a psalm or something; and Nik will be on a long, lonely flight to Hell House. I'm not quite sure this is how I envisioned BB would end.

But I wouldn't miss it for the world.

What do you think? Are you rooting for Nik, Cowboy, or the Drewsome Twosome?

Originally posted Sep 10, 2004