'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows -- Part 2' recap: War, Death, and Snogging

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2

SNAPE CHARMER ''Give...me...Har...ry...Pot...ter...''

Oh. Hi, Ginny. She grabs him and mashes his lips while he stands there; it looks like somebody being kissed by their sister (or in this case, his friend's sister).

Chamber of Secrets: Ron and Hermione enter the Chamber to fetch a tooth from the giant snake killed in Book 2 to help destroy the horcruxes. They stab the Hufflepuff cup and it causes an unexpected — and not very convincing looking — tsunami. Drenched, Ron and Hermione start making out — Yay, Ron Weasley and The Chamber of Snogging! As different as Ron and Hermione are as characters, this beat feels convincing. Being all responsible and deeply British, however, they quickly knock it off and get back upstairs to resume shaking their wands at bad guys.

Outside: Voldemort realizes another horcrux was destroyed and launches his biggest orgasmic hate spell yet, rupturing the force field. His men rush onto the grounds. The Battle of Hogwarts begins!

Room of Requirement: Harry uses his horcrux spidey sense to locate the diadem, but is interrupted by Draco and his henchmen (no Crabbe, sadly, the actor playing him fell under a cannabis spell and was arrested on pot charges so another character replaced him in this scene).

Goyle launches a fire spell that rages out of control. Joined by Ron and Hermione, our Harry snags some broomsticks and they fly to safety. But Malfoy and his friends are trapped. If Malfoy had betrayed Harry back at the mansion, I'd vote to leave his pale skinny butt here, but Harry swings on back (with Ron yelling, ''If we die for them, Harry, I'm going to kill you!''). He grabs the bully like he's the world's lankiest golden snitch.

Hogwarts Boat House: The filmmakers changed the location of this key scene from the duller-looking Shrieking Shack. But the boat house is still not a convincing Hogwarts setting since there's no jet skis and there's nothing more magical than riding a jet ski.

Voldemort says he cannot truly master the unbeatable Elder Wand because — OK, all the stuff about who owns the Elder Wand? Super-complicated and we'll sum it up later. For now, let's say Vold thinks he has to kill Snape. ''While you live, the wand can't ever truly be mine,'' the Dark Lord says. We wish Snape, whose hands wring behind his back while his face remains impassive, would have taken this as a clue to break cover and attack. Sadly, he doesn't. Voldemort slashes his throat and the snake strikes him over and over. The filmmakers effectively make this moment truly awful while visually revealing very little. And now we come to—

NEXT: Snape's heartbreaking redemption

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