''After being released from rehab, Lindsay Lohan tweeted a Gandhi quote. The only thing Lindsay Lohan and Gandhi have in common is they're both skinny and orange.''
Chelsea Handler on Chelsea Lately
''More bad news? I can't take it! My heart already feels like it's got a fat chick sitting on it.''
Bobby (Brian Van Holt) on Cougar Town
''Tint the windows of your van and break out the leftover Christmas candy, because Toddlers & Tiaras is back.''
Joel McHale on The Soup
''There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.''
Jay (Ed O'Neill) to Gloria (Sofia Vergara), who says she can't ride a bicycle because it's too difficult to keep the bike upright, on Modern Family