1 FRIENDS A huge hit for NBC. You'd have friends too if you didn't watch so much TV.
2 FRENCH KISS Meg Ryan is trapped in France with an obnoxious cabbie and no money. New York offers all that for less.
3 PANTHER Critics say it's not the real story of the Black Panthers. Wait till they learn the Von Trapps never sang in The Sound of Music.
4 FIRST NATIONAL BANK OF CHICAGO They want to charge $3 to see a teller. It's another $5 if they're rude.
5 THE UNABOMBER He wants his manuscript published. Who's going to open that package?
6 TONYA HARDING She's making a record. Madonna, watch your knees!
7 MOUSE BOATS Disney's new cruise ships for family vacations. Mom, why is Daddy always in Seasick Land?
8 BOBBY BROWN No wonder he spends so much time in nightclubs. Who would want to go home to Whitney Houston and a multimillion-dollar house?
9 COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS There are only two ways to win pay your dues or look cute in a cowboy hat.
10 A PYROMANIAC'S LOVE STORY Three men take credit for torching a bakery to impress women. What happened to buying a convertible?
11 THE DANCING ITOS Jay Leno's regular chorus line of robed, bearded Asian judges. Almost as silly as the actual trial.
12 THE 50 MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE Damn! I only missed being in PEOPLE by one or two. Billion.
13 CHARLIE SHEEN Hollywood's bad boy is engaged. It should work they both love him.
14 HATE RADIO How can you blame us for inciting violence, you femi-Nazi, abortion-loving, gun-controlling, ungodly, gay liberals?
15 MR. BLACKWELL His autobiography reveals he's gay. Who would've thought?