1 White House denies online petition to build a Death Star, citing $850 quadrillion cost: ''This isn't the petition response you're looking for''
''Obi-Wan has taught you well,'' replied Darth Vader. ''But I find your lack of funding disturbing.''

2 Brad Pitt reportedly will star in Cadillac commercials in China
They'll be in Mandarin without subtitles — so still easier to understand than his Chanel No. 5 ads.

3 Hardcover edition of Fifty Shades of Grey hits stores on Jan. 29
It's good news for women seeking a little more impact when they hit their husbands with the book and ask, ''Why can't you be more like Christian?''

4 Seth Rogen to guest on The Mindy Project as summer camper who gave Mindy Kaling her first kiss
It's rumored to have been so magical, she exhaled a plume of smoke.

5 Kmart to launch Nicki Minaj clothing line
''Nip slip into something more comfortable!''

6 Honey Boo Boo digital comic book released with her as superhero on cover
You wouldn't like her when she's eating mayonnaise.

7 Soon-to-be-divorced Bethenny Frankel on CBS Sunday Morning: ''I chose to share the highs. So I had to choose to share the lows''
''And speaking of lows,'' she added, ''try my new low-calorie Sadgirl Margarita.''

8 Steven Spielberg delays sci-fi saga Robopocalypse
Or to translate for our future robot overlords: 0101011110110! (10010001, amiright?)

9 Rande Gerber finds wife Cindy Crawford in bed with George Clooney in Casamigos tequila ad titled ''It Could Happen, Please Drink Responsibly''
It could? Then why would I drink responsibly???

10 Taylor Swift and Harry Styles break up
Sorry if that headline looks a little weird. Still working out the kinks of this new find-and-replace program.