'Heaven' and Hell-Raising

Image credit: 7th Heaven: Paul McCallum/The WB

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Which brings us to the delightful subject of dating. Recently, Jack Osbourne appeared to hook up with a girl at his sister's birthday party. He locked the door and nobody pushed for details in the morning. You'd never get away with a move like that in the Camden house. When 21-year-old greasy-haired stallion Matt (Barry Watson), who still lives at home, went out on a date, the entire family waited up for him.

Whereas the Osbournes come from the dark side -- Kelly thinks her parents can't make friends because so many people think of Ozzy as a bat-biting freak -- the Camdens come from a place so bright that mandolin music permeates nearly every scene.

Yet, they're both captivating in their extremes. Jack fought hard to maintain custody of his poop-dropping bulldog Lola. And the Camdens' shaggy mutt Happy is, compared to ''Heaven'''s so-bad-they're-good guest stars, a damn fine method actor. Kelly Osbourne calls pop star Mandy Moore a close friend as ''Heaven'''s Robbie calls wannabe pop star Joy Enriques a girlfriend. In both cases, you think: Huh?

I once interviewed a WB programming exec who described ''Heaven'' as the show that everybody watches but nobody admits to watching. During Bring Your Daughters to Work Day here at Entertainment Weekly, the 9-to-16-year-olds said it best: ''The Osbournes'' are, like, the coolest.'' They started watching ''7th Heaven'' because their teachers told them to, but they've grown to love it about as much as, well, ''The Osbournes.''

Kids don't lie, folks. In the spirit of Ozzy's out-there abode, Christian rock & roll your way on over to ''7th Heaven.''