Movies

NO, SERIOUSLY, THROW STONES The Glass House

MOST REMARKABLE WEIGHT GAIN Gwyneth Paltrow in Shallow Hal. The poster, not the movie.

GABE KAPLAN-RELATED FILM PARODIES FOR WHICH WE PINE America's Sweathogs; Welcome Back, Potter

BIGGEST COME-ON Blow, the trailer

BIGGEST LETDOWN Blow, the movie

MOST INSULTING ORAL EXAMINATION Hugh Jackman's pointless, um, tete-a-tete in Swordfish

HOTTEST DAD The very cool Antonio Banderas in Spy Kids

HOTTEST DUD The ever-sweating Antonio Banderas in Original Sin

SHOULDA BEEN BETTER The Queen-fueled, Heath Ledger-starring medieval snoozer A Knight's Tale

SHOULDA BEEN RELEASED Henry Bean's provocative Sundance award-winner, The Believer

HOW THE WEST WAS WAN AWARD American Outlaws, Texas Rangers

WAR MOVIES ARE HELL AWARD Enemy at the Gates

BEST SHOW OF KID POWER Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Spy Kids

BEST DRAG Hedwig and the Angry Inch

BIGGEST DRAG The interminable Planet of the Apes

QUESTIONABLE QUACK OF THE YEAR Brad Pitt, who plays faux physicians in both Ocean's Eleven and Spy Game

MOST HELLISH BAIT AND SWITCH The eerie who's-the-ghost trailer for Jennifer Lopez's quite earthly romantic drama Angel Eyes

PETA ALERT The Animal, Josie and the Pussycats

MOST REFRESHINGLY PLOT-FREE! Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. We'd still be puzzling it out. If we cared enough.

DARWIN WOULDA BEEN ASHAMED AWARD Evolution

HEY, BILLY IDOL CALLED--HE WANTS HIS SNEER BACK Michelle Rodriguez in The Fast and the Furious

BEST PLAYING AGAINST TYPE Hugh Grant, unstammeringly suave in Bridget Jones's Diary

THE MERYL STREEP "WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE" AWARD International man of mystery Brad Pitt, who speaks Chinese in Ocean's Eleven, German in Spy Game, Spanglish in The Mexican, and altogether unintelligibly in Snatch

MOST UNDESERVING FLOP crazy/beautiful

MOST UNDESERVING HIT (tie) Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and Planet of the Apes

GLUM GALS WE WANT TO SEE MORE OF Scarlett Johansson and Thora Birch in Ghost World

GLUM GAL WE WANT TO SEE LESS OF Leelee Sobieski, in The Glass House...My First Mister...Joy Ride...

A FILM TO REMEMBER Memento

A FILM TO FORGET One Night at McCool's