MONDAY October 29

8-8:30PM THE KING OF QUEENS (CBS, TV-PG-L) I say it's the funniest show on television not titled Wolf Lake. Of course, I say a lot of things. Tonight, Doug's Halloween decorations scare Arthur silly.

8-8:30PM THE HUGHLEYS (UPN, TV-PG) A certain pint-size cast member of Diff'rent Strokes guest-stars, and no, we don't mean Danny Cooksey (a.k.a. that annoying little runt Sam).

9-11:30PM A HISTORY OF BRITAIN (History Channel, TV-G) About 250 years' worth, as Simon Schama's swell series (say that 10 times fast) returns, beginning with a look at Queen Elizabeth. (Concludes Nov. 1)

SEASON PREMIERE 9-10PM ALLY MCBEAL (Fox, TV-14-DL) Cage thinks Ally is hot for him, and it's not some weird fantasy sequence.

10-11PM* AMERICAN ROOTS MUSIC (PBS) B.B. King, Bob Dylan, and other forefathers of roots rock are profiled. (Part 1 of 4) *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

SEASON PREMIERE 8-9PM BOSTON PUBLIC (Fox, TV-14-DL) David E. Kelley's high school drama has always made for a maddening viewing experience. Instead of serving as an engaging look inside the faculty lounge, it all too often relies on implausible gimmicks like teachers flashing firearms in class, or smooching with students...and keeping their jobs! The latest cheap stunt involves the casting of Jeri Ryan (right) as yet another smokin' hot babe to join the Winslow High faculty. Naturally, it takes her all of about four seconds to end up in the shower. Likewise, this show is all wet. C

TUESDAY October 30

8-9PM GILMORE GIRLS (The WB, TV-PG-L) Rory's got a crush on the new kid on the block, but then again, with adorable little Joey McIntyre, who doesn't?

8-9PM* SEX: UNKNOWN (PBS, TV-PG-S) Maybe for you, my friend. Maybe for you. Actually, this NOVA special profiles a boy-turned-girl-turned-boy, all due to one botched circumcision. *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

8-9PM BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (UPN, TV-14) Xander finally wakes up and smells the Sanka, getting engaged to Anya.

9-10PM SMALLVILLE (The WB, TV-PG-LV) Clark decides to play football, and it's a good thing, because my beloved Washington Redskins could certainly use him.

RED BARON MEETS RED APPLE 8-8:30PM IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN CHARLIE BROWN (ABC, TV-Y) Watching poor Linus waste his Halloween in a pumpkin patch is one of the fright night's great traditions, right next to egging your neighbors and dressing up as Epstein from Welcome Back, Kotter....Okay, maybe those are just my traditions. In any event, it seems this year the Peanuts special is airing opposite the equally splendid Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Gilmore Girls. In the immortal words of a certain blockhead -- good grief!

WEDNESDAY October 31

8-9PM ED (NBC, TV-PG) You'd have to be insane to go up against someone named Dr. Crazy in court, but we suppose you'd also have to be a bit off to run a law firm in a bowling alley.

8-9PM ENTERPRISE (UPN, TV-PG) The crew travels to meet a posse of Vulcans, and if they're anything like that T'Pol -- yowza!

9-10PM RANK: 13 SCARIEST MOVIES (E!, TV-PG-LV) No. 13: To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. No. 12: Glitter. No. 11: Anything starring Jeff Speakman.

9-10PM THE WEST WING (NBC, TV-PG) The episode that asks, What good's a veto if the House can simply override it?

KISS ME, GUIDO 9-10PM THE AMAZING RACE (CBS) The reality TV craze may be waning, but CBS' globe-trotting jaunt remains one of the most gripping programs on the air. It has it all: antiheroes (the sidesplitting frat brothers), villains (the always identically dressed Team Guido, above), and just a lot of PO'd people stuck in the middle of nowhere. Tonight, the five remaining teams set off from the Taj Mahal in search of both a wise man (''He's three days older than kerosene, that guy,'' comments frat bro Drew) and a temple filled with rats. Their lost is our gain. A-

THURSDAY November 1

8-10PM UNITED WE STAND (ABC) Mariah Carey, Aerosmith, and more play for charity, not to mention their buddy Jacko.

8-8:30PM FRIENDS (NBC, TV-14) Phoebe has the hots for Ursula's fiance, and why shouldn't she? It's Sean freakin' Penn!

8-9:50PM SPLASH (Encore, TV-PG) Tom Hanks dates a chick with a tail.

9-9:30PM WILL & GRACE (NBC, TV-14) Nathan proposes to Grace, and her answer is...well, we're not exactly sure, and neither is she.

9-10PM CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, TV-PG-V) Just because a guy is caught burying a dead body doesn't mean he's guilty of anything. Or so says Grissom.

LEAVING NO STONE UNTURNED 8-10PM BILL WYMAN'S BLUES ODYSSEY (Bravo, TV-PG) It was called the British Invasion, but as Odyssey shows, the Rolling Stones -- along with the Yardbirds, Kinks, and others -- weren't so much invading American music as returning it in a newly electrified form. Bassist Wyman (above), who left the Stones in 1993, presides over a docu that's equal parts love letter and tutorial, essentially telling the story of rock via interviews with giants like B.B. King, Sam Phillips, and Wilson Pickett. If that isn't required viewing, what is? A- -- Mike Flaherty

FRIDAY November 2

9-10PM PASADENA (Fox, TV-14-DL) Nate is forced into begging daddy for some money, but what's the big deal? The dude's crazy loaded!

9-10PM THIEVES (ABC, TV-14-V) Rita and Johnny pose as honeymooners. Look, it was only a matter of time, people.

9-11PM TREMORS (USA, TV-PG-13) This Kevin Bacon thriller is actually a lot of fun. Plus, you get to see Family Ties hippie Michael Gross play a gun freak.

10-11PM ONCE AND AGAIN (ABC, TV-PG-D) Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for America's newest shock jock -- Lily Sammler!

STRETCH, DAMN YOU! 10-10:30PM* EGG THE ARTS SHOW (PBS, TV-14) Are you wracked with guilt about watching repeats of 90210 as your attention span for the finer things -- modern dance, Tchaikovsky -- dwindles? Well, this public access-y crash course in fringe culture that nobody gives a bleep about will help. You'll gain a new respect for the workout regimes -- elliptical trainers! -- of Alvin Ailey dancers (above) and understand why a female artist rebelled against her Amish surroundings by making quilts out of plastic breasts. Though the last two segments on cartoonist Bill Plympton and a pilot-turned-piano man are less fun, the half hour is good prep for your next dinner party. B+ -- Caroline Kepnes *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

SATURDAY November 3

MAN, I AM SWEATING LIKE A PIG 9-11PM LIGHTNING: FIRE FROM THE SKY (PAX) You know how when people run out of things to say, they talk about the weather? Well, now picture an entire movie about that very subject. A teen meteorology buff (Get Real's Jesse Eisenberg) warns his town that they're about to be besieged by a deadly electrical storm, but nobody will listen, including his stern sheriff dad (Smallville's John Schneider, above). With Eisenberg constantly spouting storm minutia, at first you think this hammy thriller is at least educational, but then lightning starts nonsensically blowing up toasters, attacking through water pipes, and zapping a principal inside a school. It's so cheesy you almost want a sequel: Can we get Bo Duke back for Hail: Nature's Tiny Bullets? C- -- Josh Wolk

SERIES DEBUT 12:30-1PM DA MOB (Fox Family, TV-Y7) This cartoon follows a band of really bad rappers. Here's my audition: ''Yo, I'm like mad hype, when I type/Soft like baby wipes, and, uh...Michael Stipe.'' What? You try it!

8-9PM FIDDLER ON THE ROOF: 30 YEARS OF TRADITION (TCM, TV-G) Barry Levinson narrates this docu, which, in a miraculous feat of scheduling synergy, is followed by the film itself.

9-11PM NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VACATION (NBC, TV-PG) All bow down before the Wagon Queen Family Truckster.

11PM-MIDNIGHT MAD TV (Fox, TV-14-DLSV) Drew Barrymore guests.

SUNDAY November 4

2-4PM SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL (TBS, TV-14) You loved Pretty in Pink. You loved The Breakfast Club. You were mildly entertained by this lesser John Hughes flick.

6-8:30PM NORTH BY NORTHWEST (Turner Classic Movies, TV-PG) Hitchcock's gem is still the closest we've ever gotten to Mount Rushmore.

7-9PM THE NAKED GUN: FROM THE FILES OF POLICE SQUAD (Comedy Central, TV-PG) Still the funniest baseball scenes ever committed to film.

7-8PM RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT (The WB, TV-PG-V) A two-legged dog is certainly pretty freaky, but, yeah, we believe it.

7-9PM TOY STORY 2 (ABC, TV-G) It just might be better than the first one, and that's truly saying something.

8-9:35PM THE WILDE GIRLS (Showtime, TV-PG) I once made an innocent crack about Olivia Newton-John. Thirty-six hate letters later, I decided to never again mess with the Xanadu star. So I'll just tell you she's starring in this cable pic with her real-life daughter, Chloe Rose, and quietly move on to the next listing. Which is...

8-10:30PM PRETTY WOMAN (TBS, TV-14) Julia Roberts plays a hooker with a heart of gold.

8-11PM THE 2001 EMMY AWARDS (CBS) Third time's the charm -- we hope.

8-9PM* CLOUD: WILD STALLION OF THE ROCKIES (PBS, TV-G) Nature tells the tale of a spunky white stallion. *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

8:30-11:30PM NEW YORK JETS VS. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (ESPN) There's no disputing the fact that the Saints have become a better football team under coach Jim Haslett, but you can't help but miss my man Ditka.

8:30-9PM MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (Fox, TV-PG) A Malcolm rerun will be on if there's no World Series Game 7, in case you were wondering. (R)

9-11PM BRIAN'S SONG (ESPN Classic) No, no, those aren't tears. I'm just, um...cutting up some onions, that's all. It has nothing to do with this 1971 sniffle-flick.

9-10PM BAND OF BROTHERS (HBO, TV-MA) If the war's finally over, why are soldiers still dying?

9-10PM ALIAS (ABC, TV-14-V) Sydney pretends to be crazy in order to get in contact with a deadly assassin. Pretends?

9-9:30PM OFF CENTRE (The WB, TV-14-DL) Mike discovers the ugly truth that women only like you when you're in a committed relationship.

9-11PM* RICHARD RODGERS: THE SWEETEST SOUNDS (PBS, TV-G) I hope you're a sucker for show tunes if you're planning to check out this American Masters docu on the composer. If not, then you're a sick puppy. Sick, I say! *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

9-11PM RACING WITH THE MOON (Bravo, TV-PG-D) With Nicolas Cage and Sean Penn, you can't go wrong.

9-10PM VEGAS REVEALED (Travel Channel, TV-PG) Apparently, those sneaky casinos have a whole set of tricks solely designed to make you spend lots of money -- you know, like copious amounts of FREE BOOZE!

9:30-10PM NIKKI (The WB, TV-PG-L) Drew Carey guest-stars as a wrestling impresario, and you can hear the laugh track already.

10PM-MIDNIGHT TRADING PLACES (Encore, TV-R) Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy squeeze oranges while Jim Belushi looks oddly at home in a monkey suit.

10-11PM INTERNAL AFFAIRS: THE MAKING OF NYPD BLUE (Court TV) Fake cops past and present try to get to the bottom of why Steven Bochco's camera is always shaking.

RISE AND SHINE 9-11PM UPRISING (NBC, TV-14) As nervous studios bump World War II-themed films into next year, the Peacock proudly marches forward with director Jon Avnet's stirring yet harrowingly violent docudrama about the Jewish freedom fighters who defended the Warsaw ghetto against the Nazis. Hank Azaria (above with Radha Mitchell) displays his amazing versatility with a galvanizing performance as resistance leader Mordechai Anielewicz, and David Schwimmer follows his lauded work in HBO's WWII mini Band of Brothers with another impressive turn as comrade-in-arms Yitzhak Zuckerman. Equally effective are Cary Elwes as a Third Reich propagandist and Jon Voight as the virulent general determined to squelch the revolt. Tragically, the true story of a people who refused to bow in the face of terror couldn't be timelier. (Concludes Nov. 5) A- -- Bruce Fretts

OH, IT'S GOOD TO BE ME 10-11PM COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS THE NY FRIARS CLUB ROAST OF HUGH M. HEFNER (Comedy Central, TV-MA) Friars Club roasts always tend to get a little blue, but this latest undressing (and trust me, that's the operative word here) of Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner (left) may set a new standard in filth. But man, is it funny, like the time Rob Schneider says...oh, wait, we can't possibly repeat such words. Or when Drew Carey jokes about...um, never mind. And then there's the part where Ice-T claims to have...okay, we definitely can't print that. But we can tell you that even with nary a nipple in sight, Hef devotees will have no problem getting off on this one. B+