What to Watch

MONDAY October 8

8-9PM WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE (ABC, TV-G) Jack Black, Seth Green, and other jokesters make both money and funny for charity.

9-11PM NO ORDINARY BABY (Lifetime, TV-PG-L) It's an attack of the clones -- uh-oh, I think we were just served papers by Lucasfilm -- when Bridget Fonda plays a news reporter covering the birth of the first human clone. Damn, served again!

9-9:30PM EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND (CBS, TV-G) Frank sings a different tune when Marie starts piano lessons with another man.

10-11PM CROSSING JORDAN (NBC, TV-14) Jordan visits a prison to investigate the torso of a raped and dismembered body. What is this, Oz?

SERIES DEBUT 10-11PM MINUTE BY MINUTE (A&E, TV-PG) The premiere episode of A&E's new documentary series examines the 1993 World Trade Center bombing through the voices of shaken survivors.

SEASON PREMIERE 9-10PM 100 CENTRE STREET (A&E, TV-14) Sidney Lumet's appealingly old-fashioned night-court drama returns with a potent episode guest-starring the venerable Eli Wallach as an ex-vaudevillian busted for illegally videotaping a revival of Guys and Dolls. The ensemble, led by the always remarkable Alan Arkin and LaTanya Richardson as take-no-guff judges, swells to include Third Watch evacuee Bobby Cannavale (right) as a cocksure new ADA named J.J. In a word, he's...dyn-o-mite! A- -- Bruce Fretts

TUESDAY October 9

8-9PM* NOVA: 18 WAYS TO MAKE A BABY (PBS, TV-G) Okay, now we're talkin'. *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

SEASON PREMIERE 8-10PM GILMORE GIRLS (The WB, TV-PG) It's a mother's duty to make her daughter completely insane in the days leading up to matrimony, and Lorelai's ma Emily is up to the task.

8:30-9PM UNDECLARED (Fox, TV-PG) Rachel and Lizzie hire Will Ferrell to write their school papers, and man are they funny.

SEASON PREMIERE 9-10PM ROSWELL (UPN, TV-PG) New network, same old hot-to-trot teen aliens, except now they've taken to holding up convenience stores. Not exactly our idea of world domination, but whatever.

DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR! 10-11PM* LOCAL NEWS (PBS, TV-PG) Third place stinks, unless a bronze medal is involved. So how far will the No. 3 news team at Charlotte, North Carolina's WCNC go to raise ratings? This five-part docu chronicles how, thanks to cost-cutting and focus groups, no one at the NBC affiliate (not even anchor Alicia Booth, left) is safe in the quest to snare stories and viewers. Ironically, what this lengthy look at quick-cut news could use is extensive editing. But at least we get to see one anchor doing his broadcast sans pants. (Part 1 of 5) B *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

WEDNESDAY October 10

7-8:45PM ROOKIE OF THE YEAR (Disney Channel, TV-PG) We always get this confused with Little Big League, that other early-'90s baseball-for-kids flick. Of course, that's not to say we haven't sat through them both -- twice.

SEASON PREMIERE 8-9PM DAWSON'S CREEK (The WB, TV-14-DL) Dawson and Joey begin their long-distance relationship, but hey, those always work out, right?

SEASON PREMIERE 8-9PM ED (NBC, TV-PG) Blond or brunet? Only Ed can make the call, as he must choose between Carol and Bonnie.

9-10PM WOMEN OF SURVIVOR (E!, TV-PG) What, no Mad Dog? Shame on you, E!

9-10PM THE AMAZING RACE (CBS) The ratings aren't exactly amazing, but we still love this international escapade, if for no other reason than those hilarious two bald fraternity brothers.

SEASON PREMIERE 9-10PM THE WEST WING (NBC, TV-PG) It took a little while, but President Bartlet finally gets to finish his big press conference.

9-11PM TOTAL RECALL (TBS, TV-14-LV) Whether it's real or all a figment of his imagination doesn't really matter to us. We just like the scene where Arnold's eyes pop out of his head.

10-11PM WOLF LAKE (CBS, TV-14-LSV) Sophia has disappeared, but that's okay, so have the viewers!

HONEY, THIS SITCOM IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE 8:30-9PM ACCORDING TO JIM (ABC, TV-PG-DL) What are the odds? The season's worst-titled new show (except maybe Inside Schwartz) is also the season's worst new show (except maybe Emeril). Jim Belushi irks as a Chicago contractor who's a real guy's guy. How do we know? He loves to drink beer. He scratches his ass. And he falls asleep when his wife, Cheryl (Courtney Thorne-Smith, above with Belushi), wants to talk after sex. In this week's excruciating episode, Cheryl asks Jim to remain celibate until a trip to the Bahamas, eliciting this groaner: ''You want me to spend a lot of money and have no sex for three weeks? It's like I just had surgery!'' So is sitting through this show. According to Bruce: D -- BF

THURSDAY October 11

SEASON PREMIERE 8-9PM SURVIVOR: AFRICA (CBS, TV-PG) New contestant Brandon Quinton lists ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY as one of his favorite magazines. We don't know if he'll win, but he sure has good taste!

9-9:30PM WILL & GRACE (NBC, TV-14) It's a case of the girl who cried lawyer, when Karen keeps beckoning for Will with fake emergencies.

9-10PM CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (CBS, TV-PG) A construction worker commits suicide...or does he?

9-10PM CHARMED (The WB, TV-PG-DLV) Paige tries to photocopy the all-important Book of Shadows, in between making multiple copies of her butt, that is.

SERIES DEBUT 10-11PM ULTIMATE REALITY (A&E, TV-14) Ordinary folks with lifelong dreams are presented with the opportunity to live them out. Coming soon: my introduction to the cast of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

10-11:30PM HOW TO MAKE A MONSTER (Cinemax, TV-MA) It's game over when some computer programmers are hunted down by the cyberkiller they helped create.

10-11:35PM CHUCK & BUCK (Sundance Channel, TV-R) Buck stalks Chuck, and the result is an offbeat treat.

10-11PM THE AGENCY (CBS, TV-14) The CIA must plant an operative in Indonesia, and if that means Bali, you can sign my lazy tush up right now.

SERIES DEBUT 8-9PM ELIMIDATE DELUXE (The WB) Imagine if they brought back Chains of Love...without the chains. Then you'd have this WB menage-a-cinq dating show in which one person goes out with four members of the opposite sex while trying to make a singular love connection. Up first is Carly (above), a spicy Italian dish from Long Island looking for a ''typical...Italian howyadoin' kind of guy, somebody I can have sauce with on Sundays.'' She begins her search by taking Nunzio, Vinnie, Terry, and somebody named ''Big Sexy'' bowling so she can ''check their butts out.'' Then it's on to Cancun, which can mean only one thing -- body shots! -- as a male model makes ''lipage contact'' with four lucky ladies. While we could sit and make fun of the contestants all day long (and often do), we can't help but feel this Date will remain a one-night stand. C

FRIDAY October 12

8:30-9PM DANNY (CBS, TV-PG) In a turn of events that would make Marv Albert take notice, a dress of Danny's ends up on the body of a hooker.

9-11PM ST. ELMO'S FIRE (A&E, TV-14) Love the John Parr theme song.

10-11PM EDEN'S CRUSH: THE POPSTARS CONCERT (iN DEMAND, TV-G) Popstars was fun enough in a cheesy sort of way, but now a pay-per-view concert? In the words of the band (or whoever actually writes songs for the band): Get over yourself.

10PM-12:10AM HIGHER LEARNING (HBO2, TV-R) Ever since Career Opportunities, we'll watch anything with Jennifer Connelly in it. Anything!

THE AIR UP THERE 11PM-MIDNIGHT SONIC CINEMA (Sundance Channel, TV-MA) Though MTV has done its best to persuade viewers that every music video exists in some ego-driven dimension of big stars and big budgets, this three-part series proves that the format can still yield some groundbreaking work. The first edition is loosely tied around young feature-filmmakers who got their start in the video arena, like Roman Coppola (director of ''Playground Lover'' by Air, above), but it's mostly an excuse to show some supercool, super-obscure clips. Highlights include Aphex Twin's ultra-creepy multi-genre masterwork ''Window Licker,'' and Radiohead's disturbing, narrative-driven ''Just.'' It's enough to make you want to turn back the clock to Dave Kendall-era 120 Minutes. (Part 1 of 3) B -- Brian M. Raftery

SATURDAY October 13

8-10PM THE MRS. AMERICA PAGEANT (PAX) The key word in that title being Mrs. as opposed to Miss.

8-9PM TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL (CBS, TV-G) Monica teaches Gloria about love, and uses guest star Debbie Reynolds as Exhibit A.

9-11PM THE WIDE BLUE ROAD (Turner Classic Movies, TV-PG) Jonathan Demme and Dustin Hoffman present a restored version of this 1957 Italian film. Evidently, they think it's pretty good.

DEBBIE GIBSON ALERT! 9-11PM SOULKEEPER (Sci Fi, TV-14) Sorry, make that Deborah Gibson, as the former teen queen hangs out with Doritos girl Ali Landry in this quirky sci-fi flick.

A BULL'S-EYE 9-10:40PM SHOT IN THE HEART (HBO, TV-MA) Mikal Gilmore's haunting book about the final days in 1977 of his brother Gary, who murdered two men, has been turned into an extraordinary movie by director Agnieszka Holland (Europa, Europa). The film centers on efforts by Mikal, played with subtle anguish by Giovanni Ribisi (Saving Private Ryan, above), to persuade Gary (The Thin Red Line's Elias Koteas, in a protean performance) to reconsider his request to be executed. Both book and movie reject facile explanations for Gary's life and acts; Holland is particularly adroit in dramatizing Mikal's dilemma and the manifestations of his brother's story in pop culture. A -- Ken Tucker

SUNDAY October 14

6-7:45PM CASABLANCA (Turner Classic Movies, TV-G) Oh, just get on the damn plane already!

7-9PM INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO: GENE HACKMAN (Bravo, TV-PG) Check out the show's new in-your-face format in which host James Lipton calls his 100th guest, Gene Hackman, a self-serving pretty boy for not shaving his head to play Lex Luthor in Superman. Okay, maybe not.

7-9PM THE EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE (ABC, TV-G) Smart aleck David Spade voices a smart aleck llama. It's called typecasting.

8-10PM WHAT GIRLS LEARN (Showtime, TV-PG) Scott Bakula does sport a mustache, but this story of two sisters in a new town has more heart than horror.

8-9PM* AFRICA (PBS, TV-G) Villagers in Tanzania pray for rain to help grow their recently planted rice fields, but will that be enough? *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

8-9PM THE EDUCATION OF MAX BICKFORD (CBS) Max must present an award to an alumna with a questionable past.

SERIES DEBUT 8:30-9PM MEN, WOMEN & DOGS (The WB, TV-14-DL) Four dogs -- including Bill Bellamy -- hang out in a park filled with hot women. They bring their pets with them.

9-11PM THE TERMINATOR (Sci Fi, TV-14-V) Well, he did say he'd be back.

9-10PM BEHIND THE MUSIC: AALIYAH (VH1, TV-14) Gladys Knight and others discuss the life and death of the pop superstar.

9-10:30PM* F. SCOTT FITZGERALD: WINTER DREAMS (PBS, TV-PG) American Masters celebrates the great Great Gatsby author. Hmm, that was a bit redundant. *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS

9-10PM GAME OF THE WEEK: DODGERS VS. A'S: KIRK GIBSON'S HOME RUN (ESPN Classic) Like many, I remember exactly where I was when Kirk Gibson hit his 1988 World Series game-winning home run. At home. That's because I was grounded for ''borrowing'' my mother's floor-length fur....I should probably just leave things at that.

SEASON PREMIERE 9-9:30PM NIKKI (The WB, TV-PG-DL) Nikki Cox's sitcom is back, and we're guessing there'll be some cleavage involved.

9-10:15PM BAND OF BROTHERS (HBO, TV-MA) The mental casualties of war pile up next to the physical ones, as a few members of Easy Company begin to crack.

9-10PM HARLEY-DAVIDSON: BIRTH OF THE V-ROD (Discovery Channel, TV-PG) Harley fans will go hog-wild over this special documenting the company's six-year struggle to bring its superbike to life. Others will most likely be indifferent.

SERIES DEBUT 9:30-10PM OFF CENTRE (The WB, TV-14-DL) When two eligible bachelors -- one Brit, one American -- set up shop on Manhattan's Centre Street, it makes for one of the most unfortunate international pairings since Mick Jagger and Michael Jackson put us in a ''State of Shock.''

10PM-12:10AM 12 MONKEYS (STARZ!, TV-R) Director Terry Gilliam does it again, and by it we mean make a really good film.

10-11PM THE PRACTICE (ABC) Jimmy can't shake the gambling bug, while Bobby goes against the odds in a kidnapping case.

10:45-11:15PM CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM (HBO, TV-MA) Julia Louis-Dreyfus guest-stars in an episode titled ''The Shrimp Incident.''

GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN 8-9PM SPICE GIRLS: THE E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY (E!, TV-PG-LS) Hold on a second, you mean Spice World wasn't the true story? They didn't really hang out with aliens and have Meat Loaf as a tour bus driver? Well, that's kind of a letdown. But there are a few juicy tidbits to be found in this ETHS, like the fact that one of the original members, Michelle Stephenson, quit after just four weeks, or that the band's creator, Chris Herbert, never signed the Girls to a contract. (Ouch!) But without new input from Sporty, Baby, Posh, Scary, and Ginger (above), or the inclusion of any of the group's music or video clips, this retrospective lacks true, well, spice. Plus, we still don't know what the hell zigazig-ha means. B-

A TWO-HOUR BORE 9-11PM SURVIVING GILLIGAN'S ISLAND: THE INCREDIBLY TRUE STORY OF THE LONGEST THREE-HOUR TOUR IN HISTORY (CBS, TV-PG-D) Not since the Harlem Globetrotters paid a visit to Gilligan's Isle has such a bizarre chapter been added to the Little Buddy legacy. Falling somewhere in between a documentary and a telepic, this confusing look back at Sherwood Schwartz's landmark comedy features young actors re-creating past events while the Professor (Russell Johnson), Mary Ann (Dawn Wells), and Gilligan himself (Bob Denver) provide on-screen narration. Then a bunch of random people on a pier show up singing the theme song and arguing who was hotter, Ginger or Mary Ann. For the record, here's a vote for the latter. C